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A regular sight as a child |
I remember my father sitting night after night listening to reggae music with a sleepy smile on his face nodding his head to the slow heavy beat of the reggae music whilst high on ganja. I never thought to much about it, It was just what my father did. I assume now, looking back, he was oblivious to the world as we know it. The reason for this assumption is because of the day I remember a few years ago, seeing a lad I vaguely knew through his brother, who played in a band. For the sake of this blog I will call him John Doe. I had met John once or twice and knew only that he was my friends brother and that he had become a drug addict. His parents were successful in their own rights and the brothers were well educated, but for some reason their children had rebelled somewhat. The day I saw John he was walking along the center of the road between traffic outside the local cinema. I didn't recognize him straight away because he had put on quite a lot of weight and grown a big beard. But after I had decided to go and try to persuade him to come off the road and onto the safer pavement (sidewalk to you Americans who are reading) I realized who he was and he also recognized me. I was interested to know why he was walking down the middle of the road, in the middle of the afternoon. He went on to explain in a very slow but reasonable and educated manner that by smoking good quality hash it would take him to a higher plain., a peaceful place where he could look down on the rest of the world. He explained how unless I smoked £200 worth of this hash each day that I wouldn't understand. I thought to myself "if he carried on walking down the middle of roads on busy Saturday afternoons whilst high on £200 worth of hash he would soon find a very peaceful place, where people would visit his grave bring him flowers" I also understood that if I, never having tried drugs before, smoked £200 of hash in one day, would probably not survive to tell the story. Looking back and thinking about my father sitting, listening to his music I could understand that this is where he must have been, in a different world seeing the world as that same peaceful place. Talking to people who take drugs leads me to believe drugs are a way to escape the real world..
Since growing dreadlocks in the 1990's I have had many people stop and ask me for drugs. People have asked me in the street, when I worked the door and even at my gym. I understand why, as most people I know who have dreadlocks like a smoke. I have never smoked anything. I have never tried any drugs and didn't start drinking until I was 21. I never needed drugs and was probably scarred from seeing my own parents misuse of their chosen stimulants. And anyway my life was occupied with the dream of becoming a champion boxer.
My mother and father separated when I was a toddler I imagine because my mother struggled with alcohol. It is not that I have a lot of bad memories of my childhood that upsets me, although I do have a few, but more because I can remember little of the happy memories of when my parents were together. I remember a few fights and arguments between them. I do remember my mother drinking and getting very drunk on Woodpecker Cider. I have too many memories of my mother drunk and will never drink cider. I even stopped myself dating girls who drank cider. When my mother and father separated my mother moved 30 miles from Coventry to Banbury where one of her best friends lived, and eventually met started a relationship and had a child with a local man. The child was my sister Hayley. When she joined this world she was beautiful. We used to come and visit my mother during some of the school holidays and would see Hayley during her early years. She was such a small fragile soul with big sad eyes even when she was happy and laughing. Unfortunately My mother and Hayley's father separated when Hayley was just a toddler and my mother was left to bring up Hayley as a single mother but was still struggling with alcohol and eventually Hayley was put into foster care. The foster parents didn't seem keen to let the family see Hayley, I guess they felt they were protecting her from her past, . Whenever I knocked I was told she was not home. When Hayley was 15 I managed to finally meet Hayley and arranged a trip from Banbury to Coventry. I think it may have been Hayley's Birthday. I bought her a pair of jeans. It was the start of me seeing a lot more of her. To ensure we kept in touch I would ask her to come and wash my beetle and I would pay her The day also stands out in my mind as it was the day Coventry City celebrated winning the FA Cup and the city centre was full with fans.
I remember going to visit my mother on regular occasions and one time I was told she was in hospital so I went to visit. On getting to the Horton General hospital after asking to see my mother I was told she had passed away. I was dumbstruck. I didn't know what to do or say, I was offered a cup of tea by the nurse but I said I was okay and walked out of the hospital wondering what I should be feeling like after being told my mother had just died? Hayley my, half sister, has also struggled with alcohol all through her adult life and she has seen her children get into drink related trouble. Whilst my dad was cool with his smoking, spending my life chilled sat with a spliff in the evenings alone listening to Reggae music as life passed me bye wasn't for me. My father died from inactivity when he was 63. The doctors said his heart was like a saggy sponge.
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I feel alcohol robbed me of a mother |
I know we will never stop drugs because there is too much money to be made by dealers. There is even documented proof of the CIA's involvement in making money from the drug trafficking in Columbia. If the worlds most powerful governments are actually involved how can it be stopped? What we can do is educate our own children about the dangers of drugs. Drugs are out there and always will be. The attitude of "all kids will experiment" is frankly a cop out. We need to not disguise the fact that drugs will make you feel great but also we need to make it clear that drugs end lives prematurely both in a physical sense as in death and in emotional sense as drugs will rob you of a 'normal' life.
I would love to be able to tell you of more personal experiences I have had with people I know who have struggled and are still struggling with drugs but it wouldn't be fair on them. In a sense I am sorry to mention Banbury Town Council am not sure how to end this post because I don't think there can be a conclusion. So I will end it by saying if you are a parent do the best for your children. Love is what they need more than anything else. It is important we show we are there for them and that we help them make the right choices.
In fact I have decided not to end this blog and talk further about how drink and drugs have impacted on my life. Although there may never be a conclusion it is a subject that is close to my heart and deserves in my opinion a bit more time. This blog is more about how the drink has affected my family and people I know than myself. I do like a drink and have woken up with my share of hangovers saying 'I'm never going to drink again' I am currently on a detox for lent, the first time I have given up anything for lent since leaving school. So don't imagine that I am some clean living fitness fanatic who sees his body as a temple not to be poisoned by fast food, alcohol, late nights etc... Everything in moderation is my motto, and occasionally not in moderation when needs be.
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As a Councillor I have dealt with immigration issues |
I am in a position now where I have my own small business and am lucky enough to say I am in a position of influence in my community, both through being a Town Councillor and also as a boxing coach, gym owner and part time youth mentor. At work I have some quiet times when I can do things such as I am doing now, writing my blog. In the past I have used the internet, in particular Facebook, to catch up with friends and relatives, let people know what is happening at my gym Spit n Sawdust or just natter to people who had nothing better to do. I also get requests through Facebook regarding council issues. These issues have ranged from housing to deportation. Most of the issues are about children from parents. Some issues will be about a child who is being bullied at school and others may be about how a child is misbehaving and always seems to be getting into trouble. There are many reasons why the children will have issues. Sometimes parents tell me the school teachers treat their children unfairly. I have known parents send their children to three schools and never found one suitable because the teachers don't understand their child or children. The children usually settle in fine and then after time the same problems re-occur. Sometimes children get into the wrong crowd, and are led astray and start drinking smoking and skipping school. I know some parents believe that children should be responsible for their own actions and learn to say 'no' but I believe the majority of the discipline should come from home. I understand also that there is no manual handed out when we have children and a lot of what we do as parents is what we know from past experience.
Past experience is not always the best way forward when bringing up children. Times change and we must learn to change with them I have used the saying 'if was good enough for me it is good enough for my kids' But on further examination I have realised I was wrong. Most of us want better for our children don't we? I don't want my children to leave school with no qualifications like I did, then spend 20 years clock-watching in a factory. It might seem I am being disrespectful to factory workers, but if my kids are going to work in a factory they will get enough qualifications so that they can be a manager. Surely we should be encouraging them to make the right decisions to help them grow so they can see more, do more and have more than what we did. What I am doing here is trying to find a nice way to say without offending any parents is that WE ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR OUR CHILDREN!! Our children need nurturing by us as parents. I know it can be really difficult at times, especially for single parent families. I know this, I am from a single parent family and talk to other single parents who are struggle with their children. My marriage broke down and I know it was difficult for my ex-wife to manage 3 children and the house etc... It can be equally difficult when the child has both parents and there are so many reasons that make it difficult both financially and emotionally. Ultimately, as I quoted in my last blog a child needs love. There is nothing more important to a child than love. Going back to my parents. I quoted in my last Facebook status that my 'alcohol robbed me of a mother'. What alcohol did was rob us of our mothers love. I understand my mother's life was controlled by alcohol and knew how much deep down that she loved us .
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Too Late |
I once wrote a newspaper article about the importance of looking after yourself and highlighted the fact that I had lost both my parents early due to their chosen lifestyle choices. It was an article that would hopefully encourage parents to be there for their children and grandchildren. About three years later I remember picking my son Mikey up from school one afternoon and a lady came over to talk to me. I had never met this lady before but her words made me so happy. She said "Hello Dave, You are Dave Earle aren't you? I am sorry to bother you but a few years ago you wrote an article in the Banbury Guardian and after reading it I decided to change my life" she continued by saying " I know I am not skinny but before I read your article I was so much bigger and you made me realise that if I was going to be there for my children that I had to lose weight" and she then thanked me and carried on about her business of picking up her children.
Bringing up children is difficult there is no doubt. Lots of things in life are difficult. The lady who lost weight because she wanted to be around for her children as they grew up must have found it difficult to lose weight. I have lots of people who join the gym specifically to lose weight, normally to look better so they feel more confident in themselves but sometimes for other reasons. It could be a doctor will send them here because of medical reasons and the boxers will sometimes have to lose weight to compete for a fight. Having a reason gives people the motivation to achieve things whether it is weight loss or a job promotion. Losing weight for her children was because of love. As I have repeated through my blogs love requires work. The more difficult a challenge is, the harder we work, the more we change. In almost every situation the people who work the hardest see the best results, and the people who see the best results grow more and have a fuller life.
I have rekindled an old friendship recently with a man who I used to train when he was a lad. He was a decent boxer but then as most lads do when they reach puberty, discovered women and alcohol and gave up sport. Over the years I rarely saw him but when I did he was struggling with life in general. He has, like many people including myself, had children only to see the relationship with his partner not work out. His relationship problems, again like many resulted to him hitting the bottle and then he also started taking drugs. He told me that he remembers starting taking drugs many years ago and getting hooked, but now remembers little of the time between starting taking drugs and the present day. Whist he was in rehab he met a man who was 47, who had been on drugs since he was a youth of 16 with glue and progressed, if that is the right word, onto harder and harder drugs as he got older. What the man told my friend was that although he had aged 31 years, mentally he was still 16 years old as the drugs stopped him maturing into a man. My friend told me he felt similar in the way that it seems like although he was on drugs for seven years it feels like he started taking drugs last week and somehow he has lost all those years.
He now often visits and helps out with some of the classes. He comes in for regular chats when we might talk about the old days or maybe our respective relationships and we will draw parallels between his life and mine. He will ask how I coped with separating with my wife and children as he is finding it difficult being away from his family but knows going back is likely to take him take him back into that dark place that he no longer wants to visit. I told him that my children are as close to me now as when I was married. They will always be my boys and I will always be their father. Whilst I am not a psychiatrist it is quite clear to see that he needs to move forward rather than backwards. I find helping him to deal with his past is leading him into a better future. The gym is certainly benefiting from his help and he is benefiting from helping out. (within these brackets is an update on my friend. His name was Phillip Panadher and he had a relapse and died from an overdose of heroin. He did not handle being away from his children very well and though he done his best to provide for them, working as an agency driver did not provide a regular income and the pressure and stress became to much).
Although I have said we have to move with the times he had some old fashioned values and ways which I feel are lacking in today's society. He called (dare I say) a spade a spade. Where as some will tip-toed around an issue in fear of upsetting people he would say what he saw and I like that as I think we now nanny people too much and reward children instead of disciplining them. Having him at the gym was a 'win, win' situation. and although people may frown at me having someone who once had a habit, His mother will tell you that for 7 months she had her son back for the first time in many years. One night of stress for Phil proved too much RIP Phil.
It is so easy to judge people with addictions rather than help them. It seems that if a person is wealthy and on drugs they are 'eccentric', if they are a footballer or a celebrity they 'need help', so are sent to a clinic to sort out their problems, but if they are Joe Bloggs or Phillip Panadher or someone in my family or yours they are druggies, down and outs or wasters. Having had alcoholics in my family I know that there are some beautiful caring people out their who have fallen victim to drink or drugs. Just as I know there are some wonderful children out there who have had bad starts in life, and can despite their sad beginnings can go on to be great adults. Lots of people and organisations give up on these people and would happily have them put together on an island out of harms way and forgotten about. But some of us have a go at helping them. There are none of us that are perfect. I am sure I have been guilty of running other people down to make myself feel better about my own life, but when I see people doing the same thing it saddens me. Yes, I know that some people seem beyond help.... but many are not and just need some guidance.
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mmm One day I will be better than Muhammad Ali |
I imagine being addicted to drink or drugs would mean a person could spend most of their time detached from reality in a daydream just as I was in the classroom as a 7 year old. Trouble is being detached from reality can include being detached from our children.
PS
On returning to Facebook to update this blog, as I usually do, I came across this response from a Banbury girl called Candy Layne, to the status heading: "If you are wealthy, a famous footballer, a pop or film star who happen to find yourself addicted to drink or drugs then you a described as being eccentric or in need of help. You me our friends and family would be described as druggies, down and outs or wasters"
"all drug uses are wasters in my opinion, doesn't matter who you are, what you do, or how wealthy you are... they're nothing but a selfish druggie that doesn't care who your habit hurts, from the slaves that grow the plants, to the people used for trafficking, to my parents killed by a man driving under the influence of cocaine. all they care about it their own high..... it has been 3 years this month, i wish people would think of the journey their drugs have made, that 1 joint/line/pill has been on a journey that has hurt people every step of the way, and each of those people hurt or killed has a family, parents, maybe children, it is a horrible web of pain that wouldn't exist if it weren't for demand for illegal drugs. I want everyone to think before they use drugs, is one nights fun worth all this pain and suffering? most people wouldn't murder someone, but they could be doing just that by keeping up the demand for these substances"
Candy also added " feel free to share my story, if it can stop one person then it's a step in the right direction" I currently have had just over 11,000 hits on this blog. I hope for everyone's sake this message turns at least on life around
im glad that there is another amount of destruction removed from the streets,although im not naive enough to believe it wont quickly be replaced...these types of drugs are almost certainly targeted at vulnerable people,and can lead to some of the most unpleasant routes and paths for those unfortunate enough to be targeted...i have met some of the most vulnerable people in my life that have been down paths,nobody should ever have to go because of the unscupulous individuals that deal in this kindda business,and because a lot of this is all undercover to the normal jock in the street it goes un noticed...i most certainly fear that my kids have to grow up around this,but what can you do?kids will do as they will do...i did...class A drugs are a dispicable source of pain,destruction,and devastation,and serve no purpose apart from the afore mentioned....EDUCATION against and serious penaltys for those found ivolved in supply...eyes need to be opened now before as you say it hits another generation of our children
ReplyDeleteYou're a very inspirational man and about as good a person as it's possible to be.
ReplyDeletewow, very well written Dave.. and very inspirational you are. One of the reasons I left Banbury was because of my involvement with the recreational drug scene, and having a young son, I did not want him involved. Drugs are everywhere, but as you say, if I can steer him towards making the right choices as I have done now, that will make me very happy indeed.
ReplyDeleteWell done you.. x
An inspiring life story, told in a straight down the line fashion. Thank you for sharing your life with everyone.
ReplyDeleteYour an awesome individual who has helped do many. May you continue to do so.
C
Beautifully written Dave X
ReplyDeletei think it only takes one person to change alot of people. you are doing a great job. personally coming from a family where drugs is what my surname is known for in banbury is a bad thing. i cant even get a job here yet its not me that sold drugs but a relative. i have never sold drugs and never will. i want to get my son to learn that drugs are bad too.
ReplyDeletewell done and im sure ul keep up the good work. u really inspire alot of people including myself
i,ve had problems with two of my sons smoking cannabis and i wish there were alot more upstanding well known people in the community as yourself bringing the subject up in public then others will be more aware of how bad the problem actually is in this town and how readily availiable the drugs are especially teenagers. thank you.
ReplyDelete"Don't be a dope,
ReplyDeleteDon't smoke that coke!
We're talkin' bout cocaine,
Its not good for your brain."
You couldn't have put this any better if you tried. I've known your family from 'when'. I have 2 teenage boys and spend 25hrs a day trying to keep them on the right path. Their upbringing is circa 1960's and hopefully, when they leave home, some of it will be engraved into their very being. Keep up the struggle. We are few but we're out there! Mel
ReplyDeleteDave, I love your blog. You prove that anyone can choose their own destiny, despite their upbringing. Some people aren't as fortunate as you and have sadly fallen by the wayside, but with your vested interest in kids of today and their future, you are surely making a difference to Banbury. I only wish there were more folks like you out there. After all, its the generation you are teaching who will look after the likes of you and me in our dotage! We don't need a whole load of alcoholic drug addicts running the country! You truly are one fantastic example of our species and long may you continue!
ReplyDeleteYou have done a grand Job with your boys Mel. I remember your early days as a single mum you telling me how you bought a bike for one of your boys (Jordan I think) and wouldn't let him back in the house until he could ride it despite his tear. I thought bloody hell! I know your methods are a bit dated but discipline and boundaries and respect for parents are in decline. Love and respect to you Mel
ReplyDeleteThat should have read "despite his 'tears' not" tear.
ReplyDeleteWhat a wonderful, inspiring and heartfelt read that was. Thank you Dave for making the world a better place
ReplyDeleteHa ha. Making the world a better place would be nice Holly. I am lucky enough to go to work and do a job I love doing. I occasionally turn a life around and that is better than anything money can buy
ReplyDeleteWell writen Dave - hopefully the youngsters of today can read this blog and take something from it and learn you truly are a inspiration and my son loves and respects you for what you stand for. well done keep writing x
ReplyDeleteJust to add the drugs raid at the Buck and Bell proved to be nothing more than a mistake and it seems no drugs were found
ReplyDeleteI read your blog today because since i was little both of my Uncles used drugs and nothing bad ever seemed to happen to them. The youngest one decided that he needed to grow up and stop taking drugs. The older one didn't and for years he was our funny Uncle - pouring lemonade into the kettle and trying to smoke a leaf. then one mornign i got a call from my Mum to say that he was dead. He was 51 years old. I made sure that my children went to his funeral and that they knew why he died. Some may think that's cruel but it's an experience that they will never forget and gets the message about not using drugs into their head far better than anything i could say to them.
ReplyDeleteKeep up the blog - you are a very inspirational person.
Dave, I have only just read this blog and am truely inspired by you and your dedication to help others... You are a wonderful person and deserve the best. You are interesting to listen to & so right in many ways with the things you say and do. Hopefully more people will read this & be able to educate their children into taking the right path in life.... Keep going with all you do Dave, people think the world of you and respect your views x T x
ReplyDeleteResponses to my blogs inspire me to write more so thanks for all of your input. Even the odd negative response doesn't hurt. They focus my mind more and help me understand that mine is not the only point of view and that I am not always 100% right. Keep your opinions coming
ReplyDeleteReally interesting Dave, thanks. Luckily I'm fortunate not to have come across drink or drug problems and hope my son is sensible enough not to either. Will read the 'love' blogs soon - something I have struggled with all my life lol. Jo x
ReplyDeleteWell I hope you never have to deal with drink or drug problems Jo. I am sure your son will be sensible enough to stay away. The love blog touches on how the love of a parent will make drugs less likely to be an issue. Can't believe you have struggled with love! You do know you have to love yourself before you can expect anyone else to love you in return? That's why I do ok :0)
ReplyDeletevery inspiring dave.
ReplyDeletespeaking as someone who has tried recreational drugs and been a habitual weed smoker for 3 years in my late teens, i have to say that i prefer the ups and downs of everyday life. however hard,rocky, disappointing.
becoming dependent on any stimulant (or for that matter prescribed drugs,like anti depressants, sleeping pills...)
we can become detached from reality and our emotions. this can come as a comfort in difficult times. but it can easily take control you.
if you ignore your internal dialog, you can run in to more difficulties than you started with!
this all said, i believe that not all stimulants are negative. i know im treading a fine line and this requires one to know ones limits, but i have had some incredible mind expanding experiences, especially with good friends
i am a family man now and a hard worker.ive realized that the love of family and community are the most important things we need to support us and help us realize our own potential.
everything in moderation..
x
im a bit...better late than never im afraid Dave, but ive just read this while eating my dinner....a fantastic read, i really enjoyed it.....and must add that i totally agree with u on many things :)keep up the good work Dave. X
ReplyDelete