Drink, Drugs & Reggae

A regular sight as a child

Having a Jamaican father who liked a smoke meant I was always around 'ganja' My dad and his friends often had parties (blues) at our house on Milverton Road in Coventry. Those parties were great, not because of the smoke filled room but because we got to stay up late listening to Bob Marley and John Holt at volume 10 on the Gram (old record player with built in radio) we kids used to put our hands on the windows to see how much they vibrated to the music, and even serve drinks to our dads friends.   We were subject to the occasional raid and I remember being sent out to play with a pocket full of chopped up 'black' whilst the police would be searching the house for it. At first I had no idea what it was and thought they made rubbish marbles and smelt funny. I never saw much harm in smoking weed my dad would complain about the odd bad batch, because suppliers would fill his weed with leaves that were probably from a hedgerow. I even remember my dad growing it next to the mint plants in the garden because the leaves look similar. So my early thoughts of drugs were drugs are cool. My dad was the coolest biggest and strongest man I knew. He smoked drugs so drugs must be cool. He had other friends who would try all sorts of drugs. One of his closest friends was nicknamed 'Coke' I remember Coke trying to smoke a felt tipped pen? Last I heard Coke had HIV from sharing a needle.

I remember my father sitting night after night listening to reggae music with a sleepy smile on his face nodding his head to the slow heavy beat of the reggae music whilst high on ganja.  I never thought to much about it,  It was just what my father did.  I assume now, looking back, he was oblivious to the world as we know it.  The reason for this assumption is because of the day I remember a few years ago, seeing a lad I vaguely knew through his brother, who played in a band.  For the sake of this blog I will call him John Doe.  I had met John once or twice and knew only that he was my friends brother and that he had become a drug addict.  His parents were successful in their own rights and the brothers were well educated, but for some reason their children had rebelled somewhat.  The day I saw John he was walking along the center of the road between traffic outside the local cinema.  I didn't recognize him straight away because he had put on quite a lot of weight and grown a big beard.  But after I had decided to go and try to persuade him to come off the road and onto the safer pavement (sidewalk to you Americans who are reading)  I realized who he was and he also recognized me.  I was interested to know why he was walking down the middle of the road, in the middle of the afternoon.  He went on to explain in a very slow but reasonable and educated manner that by smoking good quality hash  it would take him to a higher plain., a peaceful place where he could look down on the rest of the world.  He explained how unless I smoked £200 worth of this hash each day that I wouldn't understand.  I thought to myself   "if he carried on walking down the middle of roads on busy Saturday afternoons whilst high on £200 worth of hash he would soon find a very peaceful place, where people would visit his grave bring him flowers"  I also understood that if I, never having tried drugs before, smoked £200 of hash in one day, would probably not survive to tell the story.  Looking back and thinking about my father sitting, listening to his music I could understand that this is where he must have been, in a different world seeing the world as that same peaceful place.  Talking to people who take drugs leads me to believe drugs are a way to escape the real world..

Since growing dreadlocks in the 1990's I have had many people stop and ask me for drugs. People have asked me in the street, when I worked the door and even at my gym. I understand why, as most people I know who have dreadlocks like a smoke. I have never smoked anything. I have never tried any drugs and didn't start drinking until I was 21. I never needed drugs and was probably scarred from seeing my own parents misuse of their chosen stimulants. And anyway my life was occupied with the dream of becoming a champion boxer.

My mother and father separated when I was a toddler I imagine because my mother struggled with alcohol. It is not that I have a lot of bad memories of my childhood that upsets me, although I do have a few, but more because I can remember little of the happy memories of when my parents were together.  I remember a few fights and arguments  between them.  I do remember my mother drinking and getting very drunk on Woodpecker Cider.  I have too many memories of my mother drunk and will never drink cider. I even stopped myself dating girls who drank cider.  When my mother and father separated my mother moved 30 miles from Coventry to Banbury where one of her best friends lived, and eventually met started a relationship and had a child with a local man. The child was my sister Hayley.  When she joined this world she was beautiful.  We used to come and visit my mother during some of the school holidays and would see Hayley during her early years. She was such a small fragile soul with big sad eyes even when she was happy and laughing.  Unfortunately My mother and Hayley's father separated when Hayley was just a toddler and my mother was left to bring up Hayley as a single mother but was still struggling with alcohol and eventually Hayley was put into foster care.  The foster parents didn't seem keen to let the family see Hayley, I guess they felt they were protecting her from her past, .  Whenever I knocked I was told she was not home.  When Hayley was 15  I managed to finally meet Hayley and arranged a trip from Banbury to Coventry.  I think it may have been Hayley's Birthday. I bought her a pair of jeans.  It was the start of me seeing a lot more of her.   To ensure we kept in touch I would ask her to come and wash my beetle and I would pay her  The day also stands out in my mind as it was the day Coventry City celebrated winning the FA Cup and the city centre was full with fans.

I remember going to visit my mother on regular occasions and one time I was told she was in hospital so I went to visit.  On getting to the Horton General hospital after asking to see my mother I was told she had passed away.  I was dumbstruck.  I didn't know what to do or say, I was offered a cup of tea by the nurse but I said I was okay and walked out of the hospital wondering what I should be feeling like after being told my mother had just died?   Hayley my, half sister, has also struggled with alcohol all through her adult life and she has seen her children get into drink related trouble. Whilst my dad was cool with his smoking, spending my life chilled sat with a spliff in the evenings alone listening to Reggae music as life passed me bye wasn't for me. My father died from inactivity when he was 63. The doctors said his heart was like a saggy sponge.

I feel alcohol robbed me of a mother

I was lucky enough to make the right choices and had the support of friends and family to help steer me away from drugs. My father never offered me a smoke and my mother never offered me a drink. But others aren't so lucky. As a gym owner I get many people of different walks of life use my gym. Many of the people are youths and a small percentage of those are youths with 'social issues' Some issues are medical but many of these social issues are related to the youths history and some are related to misuse of drink and drugs.

I know we will never stop drugs because there is too much money to be made by dealers. There is even documented proof of the CIA's involvement in making money from the drug trafficking in Columbia. If the worlds most powerful governments are actually involved how can it be stopped? What we can do is educate our own children about the dangers of drugs. Drugs are out there and always will be. The attitude of "all kids will experiment" is frankly a cop out. We need to not disguise the fact that drugs will make you feel great but also we need to make it clear that drugs end lives prematurely both in a physical sense as in death and in emotional sense as drugs will rob you of a 'normal' life.

I would love to be able to tell you of more personal experiences I have had with people I know who have struggled and are still struggling with drugs but it wouldn't be fair on them. In a sense I am sorry to mention Banbury Town Council am not sure how to end this post because I don't think there can be a conclusion. So I will end it by saying if you are a parent do the best for your children.  Love is what they need more than anything else.  It is important we show we are there for them and that we help them make the right choices.

In fact I have decided not to end this blog and talk further about how drink and drugs have impacted on my life.  Although there may never be a conclusion it is a subject that is close to my heart and deserves in my opinion a bit more time.  This blog is more about how the drink has affected my family and people I know than myself.  I do like a drink and have woken up with my share of hangovers saying  'I'm never going to drink again' I am currently on a detox for lent, the first time I have given up anything for lent since leaving school. So don't imagine that I am some clean living fitness fanatic who sees his body as a temple not to be poisoned by fast food, alcohol, late nights etc...  Everything in moderation is my motto, and occasionally not in moderation when needs be.

As a Councillor I have dealt with immigration issues

I am in a position now where I have my own small business and am lucky enough to say I am in a position of influence in my community, both through being a Town Councillor and also as a boxing coach, gym owner and part time youth mentor.   At work I have some quiet times when I can do things such as I am doing now, writing my blog.  In the past I have used the internet, in particular Facebook, to catch up with friends and relatives, let people know what is happening at my gym Spit n Sawdust or just natter to people who had nothing better to do.   I also get requests through Facebook regarding council issues.  These issues have ranged from housing to deportation.  Most of the issues are about children from parents.  Some issues will be about a child who is being bullied at school and others may be about how a child is misbehaving and always seems to be getting into trouble.  There are many reasons why the children will have issues.  Sometimes parents tell me the school teachers treat their children unfairly. I have known parents send their children to three schools and never found one suitable because the teachers don't understand their child or children.  The children usually settle in fine and then after time the same problems re-occur.  Sometimes children get into the wrong crowd, and are led astray and start drinking smoking and skipping school.  I know some parents believe that children should be responsible for their own actions and learn to say 'no' but I believe the majority of the discipline should come from home.  I understand also that there is no manual handed out when we have children and a lot of what we do as parents is what we know from past experience.

Past experience is not always the best way forward when bringing up children.  Times change and we must learn to change with them  I have used the saying 'if was good enough for me it is good enough for my kids'  But on further examination I have realised I was wrong.  Most of us want better for our children don't we?  I don't want my children to leave school with no qualifications like I did, then spend 20 years clock-watching in a factory.  It might seem I am being disrespectful to factory workers, but if my kids are going to work in a factory they will get enough qualifications so that they can be a manager.  Surely we should be encouraging them to make the right decisions to help them grow so they can see more, do more and have more than what we did.  What I am doing here is trying to find a nice way to say without offending any parents is that WE ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR OUR CHILDREN!!   Our children need nurturing by us as parents.  I know it can be really difficult at times, especially for single parent families.  I know this, I am from a single parent family and talk to other single parents who are struggle with their children.  My marriage broke down and I know it was difficult for my ex-wife to manage 3 children and the house etc...   It can be equally difficult when the child has both parents and there are so many reasons that make it difficult both financially and emotionally.  Ultimately, as I quoted in my last blog a child needs love.  There is nothing more important to a child than love.  Going back to my parents.  I quoted in my last Facebook status that my 'alcohol robbed me of a mother'.  What alcohol did was rob us of our mothers love.  I understand my mother's life was controlled by alcohol and knew how much deep down that she loved us .

Too Late

 I have never been angry with my mother and will not have a bad word said against her and I love her now as much as I did when she was with us, but I know we would have had a better loving relationship if alcohol hadn't been involved.  I know in my heart that when I went to see her in hospital that I would not have wondered how I should have been feeling after hearing my mother had just died......  I was fortunate to still have the love of my father but know also that if he had chosen a different lifestyle that he would have been here to see my children come into the world.    I loved my father more than I had ever loved anyone.  Watching him take his last breath in hospital at the age of 63 was an awful experience.  I had to be strong and comfort my sisters but inside a part of me died.

I once wrote a newspaper article about the importance of looking after yourself and highlighted the fact that I had lost both my parents early due to their chosen lifestyle choices.  It was an article that would hopefully encourage parents to be there for their children and grandchildren. About three years later I remember picking my son Mikey up from school one afternoon and a lady came over to talk to me.  I had never met this lady before but her words made me so happy.  She said "Hello Dave, You are Dave Earle aren't you? I am sorry to bother you but a few years ago you wrote an article in the Banbury Guardian and after reading it I decided to change my life"  she continued by saying " I know I am not skinny but before I read your article I was so much bigger and you made me realise that if I was going to be there for my children that I had to lose weight" and she then thanked me and carried on about her business of picking up her children.

Bringing up children is difficult there is no doubt.  Lots of things in life are difficult.  The lady who lost weight because she wanted to be around for her children as they grew up must have found it difficult to lose weight.  I have lots of people who join the gym specifically to lose weight, normally to look better so they feel more confident in themselves but sometimes for other reasons.  It could be a doctor will send them here because of medical reasons and the boxers will sometimes have to lose weight to compete for a fight.  Having a reason gives people the motivation to achieve things whether it is weight loss or a job promotion.  Losing weight for her children was because of love.  As I have repeated through my blogs love requires work.  The more difficult a challenge is, the harder we work, the more we change.  In almost every situation the people who work the hardest see the best results, and the people who see the best results grow more and have a fuller life.

I have rekindled an old friendship recently with a man who I used to train when he was a lad.  He was a decent boxer but then as most lads do when they reach puberty, discovered women and alcohol and gave up sport.  Over the years I rarely saw him but when I did he was struggling with life in general.  He has, like many people including myself, had children only to see the relationship with his partner not work out.  His relationship problems, again like many resulted to him hitting the bottle and then he also started taking drugs.  He told me that he remembers starting taking drugs many years ago and getting hooked, but now remembers little of the time between starting taking drugs and the present day. Whist he was in rehab he met a man who was 47, who had been on drugs since he was a youth of 16 with glue and progressed, if that is the right word, onto harder and harder drugs as he got older.  What the man told my friend was that although he had aged 31 years, mentally he was still 16 years old as the drugs stopped him maturing into a man.  My friend told me he felt similar in the way that it seems like although he was on drugs for seven years it feels like he started taking drugs  last week and somehow he has lost all those years.

He now often visits and helps out with some of the classes.  He comes in for regular chats when we might talk about the old days or maybe our respective relationships and we will draw parallels between his life and mine.  He will ask how I coped with separating with my wife and children as he is finding it difficult being away from his family but knows going back is likely to take him take him back into that dark place that he no longer wants to visit.  I told him that my children are as close to me now as when I was married.  They will always be my boys and I will always be their father.  Whilst I am not a psychiatrist it is quite clear to see that he needs to move forward rather than backwards.  I find helping him to deal with his past is leading him into a better future.  The gym is certainly benefiting from his help and he is benefiting from helping out. (within these brackets is an update on my friend. His name was Phillip Panadher and he had a relapse and died from an overdose of heroin.  He did not handle being away from his children very well and though he done his best to provide for them, working as an agency driver did not provide a regular income and the pressure and stress became to much).
Although I have said we have to move with the times he had some old fashioned values and ways which I feel are lacking in today's society.  He called (dare I say) a spade a spade.  Where as some will tip-toed around an issue in fear of upsetting people he would say what he saw and I like that as I think we now nanny people too much and reward children instead of disciplining them.  Having him at the gym was a 'win, win' situation. and although people may frown at me having someone who once had a habit, His mother will tell you that for 7 months she had her son back for the first time in many years.  One night of stress for Phil proved too much RIP Phil.

It is so easy to judge people with addictions rather than help them.  It seems that if a person is wealthy and on drugs they are 'eccentric', if they are a footballer or a celebrity they 'need help', so are sent to a clinic to sort out their problems, but if they are Joe Bloggs or Phillip Panadher or someone in my family or yours they are druggies, down and outs or wasters.  Having had alcoholics in my family I know that there are some beautiful caring people out their who have fallen victim to drink or drugs.  Just as I know there are some wonderful children out there who have had bad starts in life, and can despite their sad beginnings can go on to be great adults.  Lots of people and organisations give up on these people and would happily have them put together on an island out of harms way and forgotten about.  But some of us have a go at helping them.  There are none of us that are perfect. I am sure I have been guilty of running other people down to make myself feel better about my own life, but when I see people doing the same thing it saddens me.  Yes, I know that some people seem beyond help.... but many are not and just need some guidance.

mmm One day I will be better than Muhammad Ali

As a child I think in every school report at least one teacher described me as a daydreamer.  I can't argue with that because I remember many a time being woken by the distant sound of my name getting louder and louder as the teacher would lure me back into consciousness.  And then they would ask me if I understood the question?  And I would ask myself  "there there a question?".  I generally sat at the back of the class to avoid having to answer questions but it rarely worked.  When I do talks to schools or colleges I will often go to the back of the room to find student participation, so sitting at the back of the class did me no favours.  As soon as a teacher got too deep into a subject for me to comprehend, instead of 'making my self look foolish' and asking him/her to explain so I could understand, I would close down and drift into my own world, far detached from the lesson.  Into a world  where I could be boxing for a world title, building my own racing car or even going to the Olympics and running for my country.  I imagined going abroad on holiday like some of the other kids in the class did.  I thought only the rich kids went abroad but thinking back, we lived on a council estate?  There weren't any rich kids on our estate?  Sometimes I would look around the class and see Claire O'Connor and would imagine what it would be like to have a girlfriend like her. (I was 7 years old when I fancied Claire O'Connor.  10 years later I had my first girlfriend.  Man I was useless with  girls)   I also used to daydream about my parents getting back together and imagined my mum picking us up from school like the other kids' mums did.  I only remember going on holiday once and that was to Selsey with my mum, nan, aunts and my sisters and it was brilliant........  I am daydreaming again now but we had a great time.  Really it was real, I am not making this bit up, I am not daydreaming it.  To be honest I still do a bit of daydreaming and I think we all should have dreams.

I imagine being addicted to drink or drugs would mean a person could spend most of their time detached from reality in a daydream just as I was in the classroom as a 7 year old.  Trouble is being detached from reality can include being detached from our children.  

PS

On returning to Facebook to update this blog, as I usually do, I came across this response from a Banbury girl called Candy Layne, to the status heading: "If you are wealthy, a famous footballer, a pop or film star who happen to find yourself addicted to drink or drugs then you a described as being eccentric or in need of help. You me our friends and family would be described as druggies, down and outs or wasters" 

"all drug uses are wasters in my opinion, doesn't matter who you are, what you do, or how wealthy you are... they're nothing but a selfish druggie that doesn't care who your habit hurts, from the slaves that grow the plants, to the people used for trafficking, to my parents killed by a man driving under the influence of cocaine. all they care about it their own high..... it has been 3 years this month, i wish people would think of the journey their drugs have made, that 1 joint/line/pill has been on a journey that has hurt people every step of the way, and each of those people hurt or killed has a family, parents, maybe children, it is a horrible web of pain that wouldn't exist if it weren't for demand for illegal drugs. I want everyone to think before they use drugs, is one nights fun worth all this pain and suffering? most people wouldn't murder someone, but they could be doing just that by keeping up the demand for these substances"

Candy also added " feel free to share my story, if it can stop one person then it's a step in the right direction" I currently have had just over 11,000 hits on this blog. I hope for everyone's sake this message turns at least on life around