Book Title

The release of my book which is largely based on this blog is imminent. I am yet to choose a title. The book highlights how where we begin does not have to determine our journey through life. There are stories within the book that show how certain choices have lead to the death of good friends and also to unimaginable success of others. Much of the book uses boxing as a 'backdrop' to the stories and it also takes you on a journey through my life and how I struggled with my identity, confidence and my education. It also shows how I came to be a boxing and kickboxing champion', started my own business, become an Olympic torchbearer and surprisingly a town councillor. I thrive on changing lives and this what I would like the book to do At the moment the book is called 'Choices That Determine Our Journey' Can you think of a better title based on the information above?

Choose your journey

I started this Blogspot on the 7th March 2011 and have written 42 posts over 2 years and 8 months.The blog has had more than 20,000 hits in that time and on the whole, judging by the comments, has been positively received.  Although they were not all great pieces of work, and I cringe at some when reading them back,  I linked the post to Facebook and sometimes Google + and Twitter to maximise their audience. I also gave some posts provocative titles to develop more interest from my prospective audience.

Spit n Sawdust

I stopped writing the blog regularly once I decided that I wanted to write a book that will be somewhat based on the blog.  Since I stopped writing the blog, I have become immersed in my book writing and now spend between 1 and 4 hours a day writing.  The book is now in it's final stages and I will be going to Italy to finish the draft on the 9th November before talking to a number of editors, publishers and literary agents, that I have contacted using Linkedin over the past couple of years. I hope to have a book launch some time in the new year.

Phillip Panadher a good friend
& victim of a drugs overdose

The reason I started the book was to show a wider audience that their life is in their own hands.  It is story based, and will tell of stories of how 'real people' and their choices have steered their lives.  The stories show the journeys that friends, family and some famous people have made and how events have shaped their lives. Not all of stories have a happy ending and most of the journeys are still in progress.  Some journeys are making good progress and some not so good and some sadly ended whilst I was writing this book.

Some of the boxers that have been through Spit n Sawdust

My purpose in writing this blog and the book has never changed.  From my gym I believe I change lives by giving peoples lives a purpose.  The book is aimed at helping redirect people, who seem to have lost their way, and show them a journey that helps them understand among other things, that they don't have to let other peoples opinion of them become their reality; and that we can all achieve far more than we realise.

How do we get from 'ffs I will never do anything right!' to 'There is nothing I cannot acheive!!!!'

My Renault 5 was not quite as quick as a Fiat Panda

We all talk to ourselves all of the time even if we don't want to.  Most of the talk is often negative and stops us doing the things we want to do.  We tell ourselves we haven't the time to do things, we can't afford to do things, haven't got the energy to do stuff, can't be bothered to do anything.  The amount of times I hear people say they are bored, and when I have asked them why don't you do something they say 'I can't be bovered'  They can't even be bothered with the 'th' in bothered.  Well don't say you are bored then!!!!

In my Beemer I was the 'dogs Gonads'

I remember starting a job as a life assurance salesman back in the 90's.  I traded my new Renault 5 Campus in for a six year old BMW 3 Series.  Each morning I would leave for work in a suit, jump in my beemer and cruise 40 minutes in style to Bletchley near Milton Keynes ready  for work.  I felt like the dogs gonads.  I had arrived in the real world where I had real responsibility and had the opportunity to change and add security to peoples lives.  I could help people buy houses, retire early, set up endowment policies for their houses or long term saving plans so their children had a start in life when they finished school.  All of a sudden there was purpose to my life and I was so happy.  My previous job was a machine operator at the chocolate factory where I had spent 5 years of my working life.  I remember the first job I had at the chocolate factory; it was sat on a plastic tray in my white overalls, watching the smarty centres trundle of a conveyor belt into another tray, where it was up to me to sort out the good smarties from the bad smarties, for 8 hours a day.  I remember thinking I wish I was on Jensen 5 so I could sort out the mini eggs because this is so tedious. 5 years I worked at the chocolate factory clock-watching, waiting for the day to end.  The Chocolate factory was one of a many factory and warehouse occupations I held over a period of 20 years since leaving school.  I had 'assembled' mobile telephone cases with a single click before passing it on to the next person,  picked and packed at numerous warehouses, and stacked bread all day in a bakery.    So when I got the chance to sell life assurance pensions and other financial services I was over the moon.  Waking up that first morning thinking 'this is the new me' I put on my suit, I pushed my chest out, rolled my shoulders back, lifted my chin up and walked proudly to my BMW.  After completing my training as a life assurance salesman I was told to visit all the people I knew who might require one of my financial services. It started brilliantly but I quickly found I was running out of friends to sell to.  To be honest I was running out of friends full stop.  I now knew why one of my work mates at Sun Life of Canada always started his cold calling by saying 'Don't hang up I am not a Jehovah's Witness'   We were programmed to sell to everyone we met, because 'everybody needed financial advice even if they didn't realize it'  We used to go to work every Wednesday for a chat with our boss to discuss how many leads we had and how many leads had turned into sales.  The rest of the day was spent prospecting, cold calling, I felt there was nothing worse than cold calling. we would be using the business directories and yellow pages.  Then on the other days we were told to go cold calling to peoples homes.  Yes, we were to knock on doors whilst people were settling down to have there meals with their families.  I felt embarrassed doing this.  We often went in pairs and I hated the rejection. I wasn't a salesman I stopped the cold calling and decided to rely on trying to get people I knew to sign up to a pension or take out a mortgage.  I really did believe in what I was selling but the rejection from strangers and the fact people I knew seemed to start ignoring me meant I did less and less 'prospecting'.  Nobody wanted a pension or life assurance My wage was largely commission based so after a year I was broke .  I remember when I first started to dislike the job and that was when I struggled selling.  My boss started by saying 'you're so laid back Dave you a horizontal'  but after a while when there were virtually no sales he was more blunt.  He said to me 'You are not laid back Dave, you are just afraid to bite the bullet'  I remember those words as if he said them yesterday.  He was right of course.  I might have initially liked driving to work in my BMW wearing a suit and having the opportunity to change peoples lives, but  now I hated everything about my job.  In the end I couldn't be bothered, and because of this I lost my flat, my car and my girlfriend. Eventually I lost my job too, I felt I had been used for the friends I once had but now I had been dumped as I was of no more use.  I felt I had no friends, it seemed the whole world had turned against me, I couldn't even afford to go out for a drink to make new friends.  I felt I was a failure because that is what I told myself.   I had many years of telling myself I wasn't any good at anything other than boxing.  But by now I was to old to believe I could make any money from that.  I really didn't have any prospects.  I had no qualifications to help me get any job.  Fortunately I lived in Banbury so I had a bit of a name so I bummed around looking for work whilst bouncing on pub doors to make ends meet.  Other than my achievements in boxing I felt I had nothing to be proud of.   One good thing that came out of selling life assurance was that one lady who decided against buying life assurance from me took a shine to me and we stated dating.  Three years later we got married and went on to have three sons who I love so much. and are a huge part of my life.  I did felt I did everything I could to make my boys proud.   But my old ways never changed.  I was never happy with any of my jobs and we always struggled with money.  This put pressure on the relationship with my wife and eventually and understandably after seven years together she asked for a divorce.  She told me that being married to me was like looking after an extra child and I could see her point.  I should have been more bothered.

So as you can see telling myself I wasn't a salesman, nobody wanted the financial services that I had to offer, not biting the bullet, and hating cold calling never helped me.  I saw little of a future in any of my jobs once I had decided I was unhappy.  Looking back I can say I should have tried harder, I could have sold more as a life assurance salesman because the potential to earn a lot of money was definitely there and I would have been more successful in my working life and my home life.  Factory and warehouse work should have worked as I could have worked harder for a promotion which would have given me more money so I like many of my friends, would have the security of my own home and holidays abroad every year. But Shudda, Cudda, Wudda   is not much better than Shan't, Can't, Won't.   To improve our lives and become successful we need to change the way we talk to ourselves.  Positive thinking alone is not the answer.  I have so many positive thoughts over the years.  I was going to be a World Champion! Better than Muhammad Ali!  That's fairly frigging positive.  I am sure lots of people reading this had dreams of playing for their favourite football team, being a model and travelling the world or being an airline pilot?  Lots of people, including my trainer told me I Shudda trained harder and Wudda been in the Olympics and Cudda been a World Champion.  Whether I should have, would have or could have is all history now for me and I am getting on with my life.  Do I have regrets? maybe a little as far as the boxing goes.  It would have been nice to see how far I would have got if I was totally committed, and if I had actually believed in myself a little more.  But lets be honest, that can be said for any of us.  I am no different to anyone else, if anyone had trained for as long and hard as I did, with the same amount of conviction then they would have achieved the same as I did.  All we can do now is make sure the rest of our lives go the way we want them to.

I am at the stage of my life now where I feel I need to take the next step.  I feel I am moving from cudda, shudda, wudda to a place where I am making things happen.  This is still an insecure place as I am not totally in control of my finances but more than I was before.  I understand that I could still fail but feel more equipped to move forward.  I feel the main reason for this is reading and writing.
I have never been one for reading books but since starting a couple of years ago I have been converted into a daily reader.  I don't read anything that I feel I won't learn from.  I understand that many people read as a form as escapism and that many fictional books are informative.  My girlfriend reads books such as the 'Da Vinci Code' which is full of facts and is very descriptive to the point that she wants to visit Paris and see the places she has read about.  I have read many self help books, some good and some a load of old b****cks, consequently this had lead to me writing this blog.  In the past I have always had that boost after finishing reading as I mentioned earlier in a previous blog, but I have never been able to change my approach to life for a long period of time so often end up where I started.  There is a short story that explains why we don't maintain a change of lifestyle in the book I am reading caleed  'WHAT TO SAY WHEN YOU TALK TO YOURSELF'  The book was written in 1985 by a man called Shad Helmstetter and was given to me by a man who reads my blogs.  In this book there is a section that says about why we don't move forward with our lives and keep slipping back to our old ways.  He explains why positive thinking doesn't work by asking us to imagine we have a 'mental department'  The place where we live with our thoughts.  The department is filled with all our old thoughts about ourselves and the world around us.  Many of our thoughts are handed down from our parents teachers, friends, colleagues, the media etc... All these have helped programme our subconscious minds.   They have given us the furniture and we have stored it in our 'mental department'  We are told to imagine that most of that furniture is negative 'hand me down' furniture and is weary with age and worn.  The chairs are broken and shaky, ready to fall apart if sat on too heavily, the pictures, hanging crookedly on the walls, are yellowed and faint.  the kitchen table leans at an angle, the dishes are chipped and cracked, no cup has a handle, long since broken away.  Coils on the bed-springs show through, rusted and bent, the rug on the floor is more patches and holes than it is a rug. With these furnishing a strong new piece of furniture (some positive thought)  would seem out of place, but though here and there, there might be a sturdy piece of furniture or two.  But they are too over run by clutter to be noticed at all.

Now imagine someone comes over and offers to come over to your mental apartment and help you get rid of all your old furniture.  They tell you they are going to get rid of all your negative thinking once and for all .  So at 4.30 tomorrow afternoon they arrive and start to carry out all your old hand me down furniture and store it in the garage out of site.  They remove every piece, every dish, every rug, every sofa, table, bed and chair.

Gone forever?

By 6 o'clock everything is gone and we are left with a clear mind.  Not a negative thought in sight.  Not a sofa, chair, table.  Nothing at all......now I can become a positive thinker.  But that was at 6 O'clock.  What happens later in the evening when there is nothing in your mental department?  You need something in there. you need some thoughts otherwise you will go nuts.  So you have to go to the garage and get some of your negative thoughts.  First a table, then a chair and then maybe a dish or two.

We are most comfortable with our thoughts that we have lived with for most of our lives.  It make no difference if those thoughts are bad for us, it was what we know.  It is what we feel most secure with by our sides.  By 10 0'clock we have brought back the trusty old TV and one by one we will begin to bring in all our old trusted and time worn negative thoughts back into our mental department! Why? Because when you moved all of your old furniture out you didn't replace it.  You had no positive new thoughts to replace the negative old thoughts.  When we decide to stop thinking negatively we need to immediately start to think positively to ensure the negative thoughts are kept out.

By reading and writing in order to hopefully inspire others I am inspiring myself.  I am, not immediately, but slowly getting rid of my old furniture and replacing it with new.  I no longer say I cannot do things and don't tell my self I am not clever enough, or not good enough to do anything.  I am moving out of the cudda, shudda, wudda and taking as many people as I can with me, onto a better place where we are achieving more and fulfilling more of what we want to achieve.

What I have started doing is telling myself I am more organized.  I am tricking my subconscious mind into  believing I am more organized, that I have a good memory and that I am good enough to do my own paperwork.  In the past I have gone hard at it and made rash changes thinking I can change the world in a day.  By doing this I have achieved a lot in a short space of time only to suddenly stop.  Now, as I tell my subconscious that I am organized, tidy, a good businessman etc I am starting to believe in myself.  I regularly tell myself how I love to get things done, how I know that by doing things, I have always relied on others to do,  that I will be successful.  The more am telling myself the more I want to become what my subconscious is telling me.  Believe me, this is something I have never tried before but I am starting to believe that this is easy.  I am becoming the man I want to be just by telling myself I am him already him.  Every time I do something I wouldn't normally do, I ask myself why I didn't do it before.  It is a bizarre feeling but a great feeling.  What I am beggining to realise is that I have always had the ability to do things but I have got into a way of life that has told me I can't.   I was sent a text about funding and how I should apply for funding.  Funding is something people told me I should have been applying for many years ago due to the work I do with youths.  I apparently fit into all areas that the government want to give funding for:  I work with all ages from 5 years old up to pensioners, I work with all ethnic diversities, I work with children and youths with social and behavioural issues, I provide a service in the way of work experience,  visits and fitness classes to schools, colleges and special needs groups, I mentor children and teenagers and sometimes parents etc... But I don't apply for funding, why?  The reason has always been because I didn't think I deserved it,  And questioned why I should receive 'handouts'.  I now believe that I do provide a service and truly believe that without my boxing club the crime rate in Banbury would be higher and more children would be getting into trouble.  I remind myself of the people who's lives have turned around for the better because of Spit n Sawdust. When I hear of a crime being committed by a youth in Banbury and that youth has either hurt someone, or the crime is a result of the youth turning to drink and drugs, I wish they had joined my gym so I would have had a chance of changing their mindsets and maybe had pointed them on the right road.  So now I am thinking, with funding we at Spit n Sawdust can help far more people, and by not looking for funding or following up on leads people have given me to find funding I am letting people down.  There has always been this nagging voice in my head when I think of applying for funding.  That nagging voice is the echo of the times I have heard of people saying 'Why should Dave Earle have funding he is a business?'.  But I am assuming these people don't realize what my business does or what it will be capable of doing with the help of funding.  More funding will secure the future of Spit n Sawdust and give us the opportunity to grow and help more people.

Dreaming is for dreamers. Don't wait

When I first opened Spit n Sawdust I said to my girlfriend 'this is the first of many clubs'.  I had a dream of having fitness clubs all over the world.  Now I still want clubs all over the world but not only as fitness clubs. I want clubs that do more than get people physically fit but also a club that is affordable that gives everyone the opportunity to grow as people no matter what their backgrounds or where or how they were brought up. I understand that some people start off on the wrong foot through no fault of their own.  Most children given a bit of encouragement and care can go on to achieve much more than we might believe.  I am believing in myself now more than I ever have and believe we can all do the same.  But many of us need to change.  We need to really believe in ourselves and get rid of the old furniture that is holding us back and replace it with new furniture that will take us into a new and successful future.  I am on my way there now and will arrive there soon.  If we look forward and see only darkness and disappointment with the feint hope of a lottery win to change our lives, you can guess what we will find when we get there, and it is not a lottery win.

So what do we all need to do to change.  How do we move from being who we don't want to be to the person we do want to be?  Once we have decided that we have moved on we need to 'close the deal'.  If it was giving up smoking that we have decided to is going to be a thing of the past and we have recently managed to kick the habit we now need to tell ourselves 'I don't smoke, my lungs are clean and healthy, I have no habits that harm me or hold me back in any way' and instead of doing things when we feel like doing them we do them as soon as they need doing, telling yourself 'I enjoy doing things when they need to be done, I love being organised and love getting things done.  This may free up more time to either do other important jobs that will help you move forward or even give you more quality time with a loved one.

Once you have convinced yourself  'I am a winner, I believe in myself', I respect myself and like who I am', I have decided to take charge of my life and be successful and that's what I am doing'.   Can you imagine going through the rest of your life with that kind of self talk on your side.  You deserve the best out of life perhaps it's time you did something about it?

READING THIS BLOG AND SELF HELP BOOKS DO NOT CHANGE PEOPLE. THEY ARE JUST AIDS TO GUIDE YOU. 

YOU ALONE CAN MAKE THE CHANGES BUT IT REQUIRES ACTION SO GET STARTED AND DON'T BE INSPIRED JUST FOR TODAY, TOMORROW OR NEXT WEEK.  

START PUTTING THINGS RIGHT TODAY AND REPROGRAMME THE WAY YOU THINK, TAKE IT WITH YOU FOR THE REST OF YOU LIVES

Self help books are a little like the exercise machines we have at home.  Before I had my gym I used offer personal training at peoples houses.  I would advertise my services via fliers through peoples letterboxes and then wait for the calls so I could arrange appointments.  I would then visit the people who expressed an interest in personal training and set up a programme to help them with their health and fitness.  Some people would want to lose weight, others might want to gain muscle and some just didn't feel comfortable using gyms.  So on the next visit I would arrive at their house with a range of equipment that I felt would be suitable for their fitness training.  One man I visited was ex-army.  He had long since left the army but in his quest to keep fit he had turned his garage into a gym and had a good range of fitness equipment.  But like many people the thought of training was more appealing than the reality.  On starting his training routine he was full of enthusiasm and he increased his fitness levels in a very short time.  His programming from his army days slipping easily back into action and in only two months the changes were phenomenal. He had lost his belly, from being unable to run a few hundred meters without getting out of breath he could now run 5 miles, his strength and stamina returned and I found I was getting fitter just keeping up with him.  This was truly a win, win situation for me.  But like many of my customers, he suddenly stopped training saying work was getting in the way.  whether this was the real reason I will never know but many of the people I used to visit had similar stories.  Many people who wanted personal training were reasonably comfortable financially and had their own fitness equipment at home ranging from a couple of pieces of gym equipment, to an entire gym.  I remember visiting one customer and thinking "This lady should make herself some money and open this gym to the public".  But, just like that teach yourself a foreign language cassette we used to listen to in the car, the self help books that once inspired us and the running shoes we bought so we could one day run that marathon they soon all become discarded.  Most of the houses I visited had fitness equipment that doubled as a place to dry clothes.

Getting from I cannot do something to should do something and onto I will do something is a step by step procedure that takes us onto doing things.  Personally I have never been organised which I feel is the reason my business has never moved forward at any pace.  I have always been terrible at paperwork and doing the books and even dropped out of a business course at college because I found it too difficult.  Hence the reason I don't feel I am cut out for business.  But eight years after starting my business I was still in business telling myself that if I was better at business I would be more successful.  Whilst I have watched businesses close all around me I have be telling myself  "It is only a matter of time before I lose my business" The pub next door has closed down 7 or 8 times since I started my gym in November 2003.  The credit crunch has been responsible for the closure of multinational co-operations such as Woolworths and Chicago Rock Cafe but I was still here giving myself a hard time about how rubbish I am at business.  I need to be better at running a business, of that there is no doubt otherwise I will struggle on for the next 8 years.  But does the fact that I have never been organised and flunked a business course  mean that I don't have the ability to be successful?  Am I unsuccessful?  Does the fact that I couldn't even get finance on an additional mobile phone that would have cost me an additional £15 a month, last month mean that I will probably fail in the long term and I have been 'lucky' since 2003?

I found out last night whilst door knocking for votes as a town councillor that 'we' as councillors are treated in many ways less welcome than a Jehovas Witness.  My father was a Witness and told me of the constant rejection he got when knocking doors spreading the 'good word'  Whilst out last night I realised I was responsible for everything the Conservative government has done wrong.  The pension reforms, family tax credit reforms, the price of fuel at the pumps etc.... It was all our fault and last night it was my fault.  Like my father I am a foot soldier, but I am a foot soldier for the Conservative government.  I became a town councillor because I love Banbury.  I had no alliance to any political party as I believed they are all the same.  Like any business they are given a budget and told to keep the country afloat.  As far as I could see all governments make promises they can't keep to win votes, if they didn't they would never be elected.  I knew that by becoming a town councillor I would be in a position locally where I could visit schools and help children.  Helping people is my business.  Joining the conservative party helps me run  my business.  Whilst we were out canvassing one man said, of me, that he would not be voting for me because I am only doing it to help my business?  Well I am not ashamed to say, yes it is to help my business.  My business is everything to me and if the government can help me get into schools and help direct children and youths onto a better life then I am guilty as charged..... That's enough politics for now

Back to how talking to ourselves.  I want to talk about how easy it is to be down on ourselves and conversely how we can pick ourselves up.  But first I want to put things into perspective I want to talk about yesterday when a friend of mine came around for a chat and a catch up.  He has quite a good life, he doesn't have a lot of money, a nice car or a big house, in fact he likes to talk about what he does have and the good times he has had or is gong to have in his life. We use Facebook to occasionally chat and catch up with each other and maybe discuss a bit of boxing, as his days are primarily spent on the internet talking about boxing to many professional boxers and boxing fanatics, and I run a boxing club.  Yesterday as he occasionally does he decided to pop in for a chat and a cuppa in my bar.  We exchanged formalities and I asked him how he was doing.  He said he was fine, doing great, talking to lots of people in the 'game' he did a bit of name dropping and I was suitably impressed.... and then he told me he had just recently been diagnosed with lung cancer.  I was obviously surprised and asked him when he found out and the prognoses.  He said he is taking each day as it comes but after the initial shock had quickly come to terms with it and is making sure he keeps on enjoying life.  Since taking an interest in boxing he has met so many people and has been treated so well by the boxing fraternity that he feels lucky to have such great experiences.  He told me of his all expenses paid trips to Germany to watch world title fights, he meets and talks to people everyday either through Facebook or on a personal level, he introduces people to each other through his boxing forum, who then, although they live in different countries and continents will go on to be friends and travel to see each other.  Whilst he was talking to me his voice was full of excitement and he was looking forward to things that were going to happen in the near future rather than focusing on his disease.  He was here for an hour or two and when he left I thought "that was amazing"

A few months ago I was talking to another person who had came to the gym one afternoon for a chat.   Again we exchanged formalities and I asked how she was doing.  She said she was ok thanks.  She then went on to say she had been signed off work with depression.  I know this lady well and I also know she was going through a bad time and had recently ended a relationship, so could understand why she was signed off with depression.  I asked if she was feeling alright and she said yes she was feeling fine so again we exchanged banter whilst having a hot drink.  Whilst I see that this lady was going through a difficult time and can see that being away from work may help her 'condition', on reflection now, after talking to my friend and seeing how he is dealing with the fact that he has cancer and in his words "I don't know if I will see Christmas" I start to wonder how the human mind works?  I think my first friend showed an amazing amount of courage to face his disease and make the most of his time, experiencing as much as he can in the time he has left, whilst I imagine my second friend, although I don't doubt she was depressed, could with a different mindset manage her illness better.  I have low moments like anyone else but I find I am getting better at dealing with them by putting everything in perspective.  If we accept we need to solve problems to grow as people then surely the problems will become just obstacles that lead us on to a better life? Otherwise if they remain as problems they will always be problems and we will never move forward.  Have you ever, Yes you! have you ever had a long standing grudge with someone?  It might be from years ago when you were at school about a relationship, or a time when that person made you look stupid in front of your friends.  Have you then met this person years down the line and realised they are not as bad as you remembered and not only have they changed but so have you?  We can change how we feel in an instant if we look for the positives in a situation and stop dwelling on the negatives.

If you get down, feel lonely, or become depressed: If things aren't going so well, its's time to change the programme and start to get things back on track.   And this will start when you start telling yourself the way forward and actually believe there is a way.

                     We Created It We Can Change It


Our situation in our lives were created by us or the influences in our lives.  I may never have liked reggae music and boxing if my father was not a Jamaican boxer?  I certainly wouldn't have been a conservative councillor if I hadn't been approached by the conservative party.  Tiger Woods may not have been a prolific golfer had his dad not introduced him to golf before he could even walk and if you or I were born in another country to another religion our view of the world might be totally different.  We are all products of our programming.     

Some believe that what ever we create in our lives we can change, but changing it has been the hardest part. Despair, despondency, and depression are a part of too many of our lives. But those types of feelings that are self created can be lightened or removed but we ourselves must act as therapists to ourselves.  We must tell ourselves and truly believe that we can change our programming.  Talking to ourselves may sound like a crazy concept but it what we do for every waking hour.  By talking to ourselves we can redirect our self-belief and turn our lives around and will help us see the world as a different place.  Sometimes we may feel there is nowhere to turn and nobody to turn to.  But by looking again and telling ourselves there are so many avenues to take and so many lovely people to help us, our lives can be transformed.  What's more, it's truer than you think.

If we decide that things are dark and gloomy then that's the way they will stay.  I hear people say "I wish I was rich, I wish I was fitter, I wish I could give up smoking etc... All these things are achievable to almost every one of us but wishing for something never gets it ... unless you are Aladin and have a magic lamp.  Wanting things to work out right is the reason they didn't work out right in the first place.  We have to make things happen.  It is up to us to create the lives we want.  When dealing with depression psychiatrists and counselors will often recommend a change of diet, I would recommend a bit of positive self talk to ease your mind and then rather than getting depressed you can start to manage your life better and appreciate your self more.  I have just picked up a book I read a short while ago called 'the One Minute Apology' by Ken Blanchard and read a short passage from a chapter called Self Appreciation where a young man is recieving life skills from the One Minute Manager

A young man asked " How does a person learn to appreciate themselves?"

"From four sources" Replied the One Minute Manager.

• "The first is fate. At birth you don't have a choice of where you are born , who your parents are, or whether you are male or female or the color of your skin, it is fate.
• The second is your early life experiences with adults - Your parents, relatives, teachers and coaches.
• "Third" continued the One Minute Manager are your successes and failures in life
• And the fourth source of your self worth is your perception of the first three

"Which of these four do you think are the most powerful?" asked the One Minute Manager?
"The fourth" the young man replied


The story continues and the young man learns more about life skills and in particular in this book of how a one minute apology can make a huge difference to relationships without you looking foolish.  After I read this book I then tried it out for myself to see if it had any value.  After I had told people close to me how I accepted I had made mistakes and wanted to be judged from what I did from then onward.  But instead of being compassionate the people just agreed with my failings telling me I needed to buck up my ideas because they were working so hard and I was letting them down.   That didn't seem to work, and I was furious inside and wanted to retaliate by saying how much I had been trying and how much more I was doing compared to what they were doing etc, I thought what a crap book I just embarrassed myself with my honesty.  I tried to change what I had created by adopting a new approach and fell flat on my face. Once the dust had settled a week or so later I had another talk with the same people explaining that I was not happy with their reaction to my admission of my mistakes and thought they should have reacted differently.  I explained how much I attributed to the cause and although I could see their help was important and valued I would be happy if my efforts were appreciated too. This time the reaction was much better  The heat of the moment at the first meeting seemed to take over any rationality.  They also apologised for the way they had reacted and since then there has been a huge change in our relationships and we understand each other far more than we ever did before.

This was the first time I had stood up and said "I made mistakes" but although I will try not to put myself in that position again it won't be the last.  We all make mistakes it's is one of the ways we learn

Love

As I quoted in my last blog: 'Confronting and solving problems is a painful process which most of us attempt to avoid'  Ultimately love is everything.  "When we love something it is of value to us, and when something is of value to us we spend time with it, time enjoying it and taking care of it." But what is love and does it really exist. Although I know love is a complex subject and for most of my life I never believed it existed; by exploring the different types of love I have had my eyes opened to what love might be. Over the next few days through this blog I will be writing about love and it's importance in our lives.  I will be writing about 'falling in love' and how it differs from 'real love'.  Other topics regarding love will include romantic love, ego's, dependency, self sacrifice the risk of dependency etc... 

Falling In Love

Honeymoon

Falling in love and love at first sight happens to most of us.  We remember seeing a person for the first time, looking into their eyes and for some reason finding it difficult to look away.  As much as we want to look away for some reason we can't. Even when we manage to take our eyes off them we continue thinking of them, wondering if they might be thinking of us.  We don't want to keep staring because it may make them become uneasy.  So we have sneaky glances hoping we can catch them looking at us in the hope they feel the same way about us. We can quite easily call this experience love at first sight.  We go to bed still thinking of that person and wonder when we will next see them and wake up thinking of them, hoping that they like us as much as we like them.  When the object of our desires is as equally mesmerized by us as we are by them, and we realise  that they also find it difficult not to look at us and then a kind of mystical feeling causes us both to blush and get our hearts racing then that can be described as falling in love.   Falling in love is when you see a person  and feel you could give up the everything for them.  You sacrifice a part of you for that person without thinking.  You miss boxing training (hang on that was just me)  You see less of your friends and don't even miss them, you sacrifice part of your own life, knowing it will be more than filled with the satisfaction of having the love of another.   

This is a different love to the love we have with our parents.  We don't fall in love with our parents, brothers or sisters.  Falling in love is specifically a sex linked erotic experience.  and although we feel "I really love him/her"   we will not have the same deep connection we have built up with our family.  Falling in love is invariably a temporary emotion and sooner or later we will fall out of love.  This doesn't have to mean we stop being in love but the type of love changes, the 'honeymoon period ends, the bloom of romance always fades.  

Ego Boundaries

Good dog now listen, do you see my mum?
go and tell her my nappy needs changing  

To understand what falling in love and why it inevitably end we need to examine what psychiatrists call ego bounderies.  From what we have learned through evidence of studies it appears that a new born infant through it's first few months cannot distinguish between itself and the rest of the world.  When it moves its arms the whole world is moving, when it's hungry the whole world is hungry and when it's mother is singing happily it does not know if it is itself or it's mother making the sound.  But as the months pass the infant learns to distinguish itself the room and it's parents.    So when the baby is hungry mother doesn't always appear to feed it, and when it's playful mother doesn't always want to play and a sense of 'me' starts to develop.  This interaction between mother and infant is believed to be the ground out of which the child's sense of identity grows.  this interaction between mother and infant is crucial.  When there is no mother, or no mother substitute or when the own mothers illness causes her to be uncaring or uninterested.  Then the child's sense of identity is defective in the basic ways.  It has been known for a mother to have post natal depression after childbirth disabling the mother to have that crucial bond.  I am sure my ex-wife wouldn't mind me mentioning that it happened to her, as it is a well known condition that has happened to many mothers.  Fortunately I was around and after talking with my ex wife I realised there was a problem and took the opportunity smother my son with love and attention.  As the infant recognises its oneness and realises that it is not just part of the universe it begins to make other distinctions between itself and the rest of the world.  It chooses to move, wave it's arms in front of its eyes it also learns it is responsible for it's own movements.  By the end of our first year we were all aware that it was our arm, our foot  our tongue etc...  What we also know is the size of our physical limits.  These limits are our boundaries.  The knowledge of the limits inside our minds are  ego boundaries.  At the age of two - three years old a child becomes aware of it's limits of power.  If you are a parent reading this I am sure you remember the terrible two's.  This is the time when your child was acting like a tyrant and we were it's small army.  Without even the concept of conversation our kids would be shouting and giving orders to our pets, toys and us.  By the time a child is three the child has accepted the reality of it's boundaries of power.  Although I am sure I remember believing that with a bit of training I could swing from buildings like Spiderman at the age I was leaving primary school.  

Young people know they are individuals, confined to the limits of their boundaries, especially if a child has had a traumatic childhood where love was missing or unavailable at the early and crucial times.  The world can seem dangerous, hostile and confusing.  Some children find these boundaries to be protecting and comforting and a sense of safety in their loneliness, but most of us find this loneliness to be painful and yearn to grow and become unified with the world outside ourselves.  

So what does all this have to do with falling in love? I hear some asking.  The experience of falling in love allows us to temporarily escape.   Falling in love is a sudden collapse of a section of an individuals ego boundaries, permitting one to merge his or her identity with another person.  The sudden release of oneself from oneself, the explosive pouring out of oneself into the beloved and the dramatic loss of loneliness accompany this sudden loss of ego boundaries is experienced by most of us as ecstatic. We and our beloved are as one and loneliness is no more

In some cases the act of falling in love is an act of regression reversing our journey out of childhood and going back to a dependent state where all things seem possible .  Being in love enables us to conquer obstacles, the future will be perfect.  The unreality of these feelings when we have fallen in love is essentially the same unreality of the two year old who feels itself to be king of the family and the world with unlimited power.  Just as reality intruded on the power of the two year old as it discovered its ego boundaries, so  has reality of the fantastic unity of the couple who have fallen in love.  Sooner or later the problems of daily living and individual will reasserts itself.  He wants to have sex, she doesn't, he wants to put a deposit on a new car, she wants to put a deposit on a holiday,  she wants a house in the country, he wants to stay in the city near his family.   So both of them in their hearts  come to the realisation that they are not as one and will continue to have their own desires, tastes and prejudices.  Ego boundaries snap into place. Either gradually or suddenly they fall out of love and once again they are separate individuals.  At this point they either dissolve the relationship or initiate the work of real loving.  Not that falling in love is not real love per se, it is often the introduction to 'real love'

Falling in love is a temporary emotion

Falling in love is not a conscious emotion, it is something we have no control over and it often happens when we least expect it.  It often happens to people who are ill matched.  Teachers will often fall in love with their students just as students fall in love with them.  Yet because of their role the teacher will normally be able to abort the collapse of their ego boundaries and give up their student as a romantic object.   We can only control the experience of falling in love we cannot create it.  We can choose how to respond to the experience we can not choose the experience itself.  Falling in love is not an extension of our ego boundaries it is a partial or temporary collapse of them.  However if we want to  extend our limits we work on 'real love'  - Real love is a permanent  self-enlarging experience.  

If falling in love is not real love then what is it?  The sexual specificity of falling in love may lend itself to the survival of our species, if falling in love leads us to produce more children ten surely it is fair to assume this natural phenomena ensures the future of our species.   

Or is falling in love something that fools our otherwise perspective mind into marriage?  Many people who are happily or unhappily married would have thought twice if they realised the realism of the vows.
Living happily ever after as we read in the fairy tales is what many of us want when we get married.  For every young man there is a young lady who is meant for him, and vise versa, it was predicted in the stars.  In the real world it is different.  Real love takes work.  If we suddenly or gradually realise we are not the perfect match we must then decide on whether to work on our marriage further and turn it into true love, or live happily or unhappily ever after, or of course get divorced. Many times people will be in a unhappy relationship and still get married thinking the act of getting married will change their relationship but this is rarely the truth.  Many people in marriage spend years trying to make a square block fit into a round hole, making relations work for the sake of their children, their home, their families etc...

Dependency

In love or dependent? 

Many people confuse love with dependency.  When people say I can't live without him/her and get depressed at the thought of being without their significant other, becomes incapacitatingly  depressed or even take it to the dramatic step as in to consider suicide with the threat of the relationship ending, then this is not love. When one cannot not live without another, when one needs another to survive one becomes a parasite on that individual.  There is no choice of freedom involved in your relationship, it is a matter of necessity rather than love.  Love is the free exercise of choice.  Two people love each other only when they are quite capable of living without each other but choose to live with each other.
Dependency is being unable to function without without the certainty of one being cared for by another.  It is a manifestation of a mental illness or defect.  Don't get me wrong, we all - each and every one of us - even if we try to pretend to others and to ourselves that we don't have a needs and feelings -   all of us have desires to be babied, to be nurtured without any effort from ourselves.To be cared for by people stronger than us who have our interests truly at heart.  No matter how strong we are, no matter how caring or responsible as an adult.  If we look inside ourselves we will find we all occasionally want to be taken care of for a change.  We all desire a mother or father figure.  But for most of us it doesn't take over our lives.  But when it does or it dictates the quality of our existence, then we do have something more than just dependency, needs or feeling, we are dependent. Specifically one who's life is ruled and dictated to by dependency needs, suffers from a psychiatric disorder  known as 'passive dependent personality disorder' and id possibly the most common of all psychiatric disorders.  

People with this disorder are so busy seeking love that they have no energy to give love.  They are like starving people crying out and scrounging for food with no food of their own to give.  They will always feel empty and always feel a part of them is missing.  I remember leaving to go on a course to be a bar manager in Bournemouth many miles from where my marital home was.  This meant I was to see little of my wife and three children for six months.  Whilst I coped with the separation, little did I know our separation was a huge relief to my wife at the time.  For quite some time my wife and I had been in a relationship with little love or affection.  We functioned as a family for the world to see but, although we never had blazing arguments or fights the 'spark' in our relationship had gone.  There was no fire in our hearts for each other in fact barely a flicker of a flame.  Whilst I was away, my wife was far more relaxed and contented with life and felt that for some years she had been living a lie. She finally plucked up the courage to tell me how she felt.  On hearing this I drove 80 miles back to see her to talk about our marriage and discovered she had thought about it long and hard and decided it best if we separated.  I was understandably heartbroken, I was absolutely devastated and cried almost all of the 80 miles whilst driving back to work  considering what had just happened. Although I was angry, I had no real reason to be angry with my wife because the relationship had ended as a true loving relationship years earlier.   neither of us were that interested in each other sexually or emotionally.  What really hit me was losing my family.  My role of a husband and father felt like it had been taken from me and all of a sudden I was not needed.   I was dependent on having a family.  Without my family I was nothing.   Though the love for my wife had diminished the love for my children had not.  The thought of not being around for my children and equally them being there for me was the cause of most of my tears and pain.  I found out how dependent I was of my family but over time realised that being dependent was the reason my family stayed together for so long.  But being unhappy together for so long benefitted neither me, my wife or our children.

Some people go from relationship to relationship looking for love.  It seems as soon as they leave one relationship the 'need' to find another sometimes within days.  Many of these relationships seem ill-matched pairings from the outset.  Really attractive, intelligent and successful people will date and fall in love with people who are less attractive, less intelligent and less successful because they are dependent on being loved and in a relationship.  Although in hoping that the new partner however unwell suited they will change.  Most of these relationships are short lived and unhappy and in fact drive away the people who are more suitable.  The cycle only ends when the person becomes less dependent and learns to wait for the right person to come along.

If all you desire from life is love, if all you really want is to be loved by someone who will really care for you and if you have little desire of holding down a challenging job, creating a work of art, making a contribution to the community, then the notion of effort has not entered your daydreams.  If being loved is your goal you will fail to achieve it.  The only way to be assured of being loved is to be worthy of love, and you cannot be worthy of love if your primary objective in life is to be loved.  This is not to say that dependent people don't do things for others, but their motive in doing things for others normally is to assure their own care.  And when the possibility of care for another is not directly involved they do have a great difficulty in doing things.  Even in these modern times when when men and women are excepting equal rights,  In marriage there is usually there are usually jobs the man does and jobs the woman does.   Ie; the man puts out the bins, does the gardening, fixes the car etc... and the woman will do the cooking, the washing of clothes and the house cleaning.  Occasionally healthy couples will do a bit of role reversal from time to time to surprise the partner. So one time the wife may come home on her birthday and find that a romantic meal has bean cooked or the man will come home and find the wife has cut the grass.  It is a loving gesture that adds a bit of variety or spice to the relationship.  This happens in loving relationships but consciously or  as part of the subconsciousness this can be preparation to guard against separation.  A couple in a unhealthy or dependent relationship the roles are more rigid.  And instead of adding the flexibility they need to know that their role is set in stone.  By doing this they diminish each others freedom, making it more difficult for one or the other to leave the marriage through fear of not being able to cope alone.  For example the wife may never drive a car and even develop a phobia against driving allegedly because of a minor accident and therefore becomes totally dependent on her husband.  Not being able to drive gives her lots of reasons to be dependent on her husband.  Because of not being able to drive she cannot get about to meet new people, he could not have an affair because he was to busy taking her shopping and driving the children to school and to their various clubs and after school activities.  Through this behaviour relationships may seem secure and lasting but the security is purchased at the price of freedom and stops the individual growth of the partners.  A good marriage can only exist between two strong and independent people.

The dependency originates from a lack of love.  The emptiness people suffer often stems of a direct result of their parents failure to fulfill their needs of affection, attention to detail during their childhood.  Yes I know I am back to the issue of parenting.  Believe me I am not pointing the finger at parents of dependent children, or the people who have struggled through their childhood .  I am far from a perfect parent.  In writing this blog I am finding out how I may have been better as a parent over the years and how to be a better parent in the future.  Take from this blog what you want, if it helps you or your children in any way then it has served it's purpose.     
Children who are loved and cared for with relative consistency throughtout childhood enter adulthood with a deep-seated feeling that they are lovable and valuable and therefore will be loved themselves.  Children who have grown up in an atmosphere in where love and care was lacking or was given with inconsistency enter adulthood with no such sense of inner security, rather they have a sense of insecurity and question whether they are lovable and valuable.  It is no wonder that they will take love where ever they can find it, and once having found it cling to it with a desperation that leads to more unloving, manipulating behaviour that destroys the very relationship they are trying to preserve.  Does this remind you of anyone?  It is certainly bringing people to my mind.  Passive dependent people lack self discipline, They are unwilling to delay gratification of their hunger for attention.   They throw honesty to the winds.  They cling to out worn relationships when they should give them up.  Most importantly , they lack a sense of responsibility for themselves.  They look to others for their happiness and fulfillment. and therefore when they are not happy or fulfilled others are responsible.  Consequently they are endlessly angry because they endlessly feel let down by others who can never in reality fulfill their needs or 'make' them happy.  This is the reason many dependent people turn to drugs and alcohol, they know drugs and alcohol will never let them down.  If you read my blog 'how drugs and alcohol affected my life' you will know I am talking from experience.

In Summary dependency may appear to be love because it is a force that causes people to fiercely attach themselves to one another, but actually it's not love, it has it's foundations in parental failure.  It seeks to receive rather than to give and it nourishes regression rather than growth.  It works to constrict  and trap rather than help and grow but ultimately destroys rather than builds relationships and destroys rather than builds people 

Cathexis Without Love

Cathexis is the investment of emotional significance.  In the context of this blog it means that people can put in all the emotional feelings into a relationship and build up the same attachments to a partner/husband/wife without the vital ingredient of love.  

One of the aspects of dependency is that it is unconcerned with spiritual growth.  Dependent people are interested in their own nourishment but no more.  They desire to be happy but not to grow nor are they able to tolerate unhappiness, the loneliness or the suffering involved in growth.   Dependent people care only that the other is there to satisfy them.  As children we are dependent on our parents and I believe that most of us as we travel through life become more secure in ourselves enabling us to give more love to others.  As a child my life revolved around me.  When I think back I can visualize my life in my early years and remember thinking it was all about me.  Not only through my childhood but into my early adulthood.  As a youngster I always wondered whether I would get a job when I finished school, whether I would ever have a girlfriend, whether I would pass my test and be able to own a my own car.  When thinking about the atrocities that might happen to the world like a nuclear war my thoughts would not be concerned with how it would affect anyone else but how would I cope if the everyone else in the world died.  What would happen if I was alone with no-one to care for me.  When I first moved to Banbury I joined a boxing club and soon realised I was the best in Banbury in fact I was the best in the the Home Counties and went on to win the Home Counties championships on five occasions. I joined a boxing club called Willy Fruend and believed with good reason as far as I was concerned, that I was the best there, at any weight division.  I got all the attention from the trainer and received the most help in the way of coaching.  I went on Home counties squad training camps and as far as I was concerned I deserved it. I was putting Banbury on the map.  I was in the papers because I deserved the right because of my superior boxing skills.  I felt I was the hottest prospect so I deserved the best training.  I was special.  I was clever enough not to brag about how special I was because I had enough people doing this for me so I could remain modest.  Everything was me, me, me and I, I, I,

I didn't for a moment realise that if there wasn't a boxing club in Banbury that I wouldn't be so special.  I didn't for a second imagine that I was winning because my trainer was helping to improve my boxing skills with one on one sessions and sending me on squad training camps.  I didn't consider the fact that I had been entered into the Home counties championships due to the work my trainer had put into my training.  There were lots of factors I 'depended' on to allow me achieve what I did but i couldn't see them.  I guess I appreciate the help I had now because I am now the trainer and not the boxer.  I now see the work that was put in by others to help boxers achieve what they do.  I also understand how dependent I was.  As I have matured I now find far more pleasure in helping others than being helped.  I find giving love at the very least equal to being loved.  As a boxer I could never imagine being a trainer because all the glory goes to the boxer.  As a trainer I have far more pleasure changing lives than I did when I was winning titles.  I will win far more titles through my boxers than I did as a boxer, but what is much more important to me now is that is that I feel I am giving something back by helping change the lives of others.  By loving what I do it is easy for me to love myself and the same time giving love is far more rewarding and easy to do.

It could be worse

Most of us have had jobs that are 'a means to an end' a job that pays the bills.  The job has good days and bad days but overall we would rather not be there.  It could be a really well paid job that does more than pay the bills and affords you two holidays abroad each year, a fancy car and a nice house.  But how many people love their job?  How many people spend their days clock-watching and waiting for their days work to end?  How many people know they are comfortable in their job but would like a change but feel they can't?  How many are actually unhappy but feel trapped by their jobs and although they are not loving their job know that they couldn't cope without it because there may not be another job out there that will give them the same support? How many of us DEPEND ON OUR JOBS?

Self Sacrifice

In his book 'The Road Less Travelled' Dr M Scott Peck talks of his experiences with his patients.  One such patient was a minister who had devoted his life to his family to ensure his family were cared for more than he was.  This is Peck's story:  A minister reluctantly came to me because his wife suffered from chronic depression and both of his sons had dropped out of college and were living at home receiving psychiatric attention.  Despite the fact that his whole family was 'ill'  he was completely unable to comprehend that he might be playing a role in their illness.  'I do everything in my power to take care of them and their problems' I don't have a waking moment when I am not concerned about them.  Analysis of the situation revealed that this man was working himself to the bone to meet the demands of his wife and children.  He had given his sons new cars and paid for the insurance on them even though he felt his sons should be putting more effort in and being more self supporting.  Each week he took his wife to either the opera or Theatre even though he intensely disliked going to the city and opera bored him to death.  Busy though he was on his job he spent most of his time at home picking up after his wife and sons. who had a total disregard for house cleaning.    'Don't you get tired of laying yourself out for them all the time?' I asked him 'of course he replied 'but what else am I to do? I love them and I have to much compassion not to take care of them.  My concern for them is so great that I will never allow myself to stand by as long as they have needs to be filled.  I may not be a brilliant man but at least I have love and concern'.

Interestingly it emerged that his own father had been a brilliant scholar of considerable renown, but also an alcoholic and a philanderer who showed total lack of concern for the family and was grossly neglectful of them.  Gradually my patient was helped to see that as a child he had vowed to be as different from his father as possible, to be as passionate and concerned as much as his father was heartless and unconcerned.  He was even able to understand after a while that he had a tremendous stake in maintaining an image of himself of being loving and compassionate, and much of his behaviour, including his career in the ministry, had been fostering this image.  What he did not understand so easily was the degree to which he was infantilizing his family.  He continually referred to his wife as 'my kitten'  and to his fully grown strapping sons as 'my little ones'  'how else can I behave?'  he pleaded 'I may be loving in the reaction to my father but that doesn't mean I am going to become unloving or turn myself into a bastard.'    What he literally had to be taught was that loving is a complicated and not a simple activity, requiring the participation of his entire being. - his head as well as his heart.  Because of his need to be unlike his father as possible he had not been able to develop a flexible response system for expressing his love.  He had to learn that not giving at the right time was more compassionate than giving at the wrong time, and that fostering independence was more important than taking care  of people who could otherwise take care of themselves.  He even had to learn that expressing his own needs, anger resentments and expectations was every bit as necessary to the mental health of his family as his self sacrifice, and therefore that love must be manifested in confrontation as much as in acceptance. 

Gradually coming to realize how he infantalized his family, he began to make changes.  He stopped picking up after everyone and became openly angry when his sons did not adequately participate in the care of the home.  he refused to continue paying for the insurance on his sons' cars telling them that if they wanted to drive they must start paying it themselves.  He suggested his wife should go to the opera alone in New York.  In making these changes he was putting himself at risk of becoming the 'bad guy' and had to give up the omnipotence of his former role as a provider for all the needs of the family.  But even though his former behaviour had been motivated primarily by a need to maintain an image of himself as a loving person, he had at his core a capacity for genuine love, and because of this capacity he was able to accomplish these alterations in himself.  Both his wife and his sons reacted to the changes initially with anger.  But soon one son went back to college and the other found a more demanding job and got an apartment for himself.  His wife began to enjoy her new independence and to grow in ways of her own.  The man found himself  becoming a more effective minister at the same time his life became more enjoyable.

Love is not a feeling

Love is not a feeling.  Whilst falling in love can be seen as a sexual emotion crucial to the survival of our species, true love requires action.  An alcoholic may sit at a bar with tears in his eyes and spend his days telling the barman how much he loves his family, as the barman sympathises with him whilst taking his money for his drinks.  But the alcoholic will have his family at home yearning for his love and attention.  Telling the barman about his love for his family may ease his guilt. But in reality this is self-serving and maybe somewhere in his subconsciousness, telling the barman the story of his love for his family it will get back to his family, making it acceptable for him to have more drinks. 

TIME OUT!!!!    

Are we allowed to swear on blogs???? The current blog I am writing is a blog mainly based on a book called The Road Less Travelled by M Scott Peck.  The book is described as a 'Perfect new year reading for these spiritually searching times' by the Independent on Sunday.  

Whilst I write with the hope of inspiring others this blog has forced me to take a closer look at my life and how family, friends, associates and antagonists over the years have affected my life.  What this blog should be doing, and hopefully will continue doing, is to help us understand who we are and, with a bit of luck and some serious soul searching, help us to make decisions that will help us lead a more fulfilling life.  In all honesty it has really messed with my head and made me ask questions I never wanted to ask of people I love.   I wasn't really searching for anything spiritual I was happy with my ignorance.  I just wanted to write a blog that might help or inspire someone.  But I know now ignorance hurts people, not least myself and those closest to me.  I understand that although I have love for people I don't show it nearly enough. I am trying not to be judgemental but feel I am like a recent non-smoker telling other smokers how wrong they are to smoke.  I have been told so many times that I am too open and let too many people into my life.  I also know that the people I trust most are honest people.  And if you want people's trust you must be seen as honest and trustworthy. It is far easier to be open and honest with people who are open and honest with you.  We don't trust politicians why? Because we don't believe what they tell us. We trust very few people in power or in government because we know in our heart of hearts they are all paid to tell lies and lead us to believe what they want us to believe.  When I go to do talks at primary schools and schools for the physically and mentally challenged I no pretty much that what you see is what you get with virtually no deception.  Don't get me wrong  I am not an angel there are things I have said and done in the past that I wish I hadn't said and done and wouldn't do again or talk about.  Before you dwell on that statement I have done far more things that I am proud to tell everyone about!

For virtually every chapter of this blog I have recognised people I know who have been affected by the subject matter, some people I have loved and other people I have lost, people I felt I should have helped and people I wish would have loved me more.  I know of people who seem to have lost their way in life and I want to help but can't.  The blog has caused me to smile and cry and it has reminded me of some of the highest and lowest moments in my life. It has caused me so much frustration and I am hoping that will inspire me to make better choices in the future. 

This time out is a direct result of the blog  catching me at a rare low point but is part of my own personal growth.    

       

Work of attention

So I have written a lot about what love is not.  So lets examine what love is.  Love is moving on from falling in love, the kind of sexual love that is vital for the continuation of our species. True love comes when we extend ourselves, when we take that extra step or walk that extra mile.  Love is a work of courage and requires work.  Love is not a selfish action it is an act of not nourishing ones own spiritual growth but also the spiritual growth of another or others.

By far the most common way we can show we are paying attention is by listening.  How many times can you remember when you are talking to someone then suddenly realised you are not being listened to?  How many times has it been clear that he the person you are talking to has stopped listening to you and is waiting for their turn to talk?  How does it feel when you have just poured your heart out hoping for a response only to find out the person you were trying to get through to was in a world of their own?

We spend an enormous amount of time listening, most of which we waste, because on the whole most of us listen poorly.  When I read, and discover information I never understood before I want to share it with the world.  But what often happens is I forget to listen and foolishly end up preaching the 'Gospel according to Dave Earle'.  I fail to realise that others may have just as interesting and just as relevant information as the information I have.  How much interest do we have in people who have no interest in us? Very little I should imagine.  To fully understand what someone is trying to tell us we must listen intently.  Sometimes it may be very difficult if the information is complex or the talker is not clear in what they are trying to explain.  So concentration is needed and we may have to 'read between the lines' somewhat.  A good listener will benefit far more than someone who is not prepared to listen.  The subjects we find interesting are the subjects we pay more attention and are more ready to work at listening to making the information much easier to digest.

Small talk

The process of listening to children differs depending on the age of a child.  For the present lets consider a six year old.  Given the chance the six year old will talk non-stop.  How can parents deal with this never ending chatter?  perhaps the easiest way is to forbid it.  Believe it or not there are families in which the children are virtually not allowed to talk, and these parents have always been told 'children should be seen and not heard', and this applies 24 hours a day.  This seriously effects the child's relationships with all adults.  A second way is to permit the chatter but simply not listen to it, so that that child is not interacting with you but is simply talking to thin air to himself or herself creating background noise that may or may not be annoying.  A third way is to pretend to listen, proceeding along as best as you can with what you are doing or with your train of thought while appearing to give the child attention and occasionally making sounds like 'uh huh' an 'ok that's nice'  to fit in where they sound suitable.  A fourth way is selective listening, which is a particular alert form of pretending to listen, where the parent listens when it seems that the child is saying something of significance, hoping to separate the wheat from the chaff with minimum effort.  The problem with this way is that the human mind's capacity to filter selectively is not terribly competent or efficient, with the result of a fair amount of chaff remains and a great deal of the wheat is lost.  The fifth and final way is to truly listen to the child, giving him or her your full attention, weighing each word and understanding each sentence.

These five ways of responding to the talking of children  have been presented in ascending order according to effort., with the fifth way, truly listening, requiring from from the parent a quantum leap of energy compared with the less effortful ways.   You may suppose that I will be recommending that the only way to listen to children is the fifth way and always truly listen to your children. Hardly!  Firstly six year old's will talk for ever, given a chance, so the parent would have little time for anything else, and it would be unbelievably boring as, as much as we might love them, six year old chatter is generally boring.  What is therefore required is a balance of all five ways.  As harsh as it sounds there are times we need to tell a six year old to shut up, when for instance there talk is distracting in situations that you critically require your attention, or when it may represent a rude interruption in an attempt to achieve hostile or unrealistic dominance.  Frequently six year old's will chatter for the sake of chattering and clearly need no interruption and are obviously happy in their own little world talking to themselves.  At these times closeness and interaction is more important than communication.  Furthermore the child may want to drift in and out of communication and will be understanding of their parents selective listening.  A balance of the five listening modes is needed but many parents do not find the time or are unwilling to expend the energy on their children.  Perhaps some parents believe they are truly listening when all they are doing is pretending to listen?  Sometimes a parent has to put aside 'child time'  however brief it may be so that the child feels valued.

Just 5 Of The Reasons Why Listening To Our 

Young Children Is Essential

1. Our willingness to listen is the best possible concrete evidence that we can give our children that we respect them.  By giving our children respect our children themselves will know they are  valued and will feel Valuable
2. The more our children feel valuable, the more they will say things of value
3. The more we listen to our children, the more we will realise that amongst the stutterings and the seemingly innocent chatter, our children do indeed have interesting things to say.  Listen to your children enough and you will come to realise that our children are quite extraordinary people.  And the more extraordinary we realise they are, the more we will want to listen and learn
4. The more we know about our children the more we will be able to teach.  Know little about our children, and usually we will be teaching them things they either already know or understand
5. The more children know we value them, that we consider them extraordinary people the more willing they are to listen to us and afford us the same respect, and the more they learn the more extraordinary they become.

• If you have read my blog 'Be all you can, because you can' You will know how the love of parents has helped create great achievers from young children.  These children include Mozart, Tiger Woods, and the tennis players Serena and  Venus Williams

Being there is often enough

The need for us to listen to our children is never out grown.  We all have times as adults when we need to talk to our parents.  I know I wish my parents were here for me still.  My mother died in her forties so never got a chance to meet my children, her grandchildren and my father passed away when my eldest was four and my middle son was only a year old my youngest son was born two years after my father died.  Fortunately they did and still do have grandparents on their mothers side.   I wish I had my parents to talk to about my children's lives my life and could share all what I love about life with them.  Even at the age of 48 I wish they were here watching us all grow up.  I am so proud of my children and would love for my parents to be proud too.  I would love to be sat in my dad's living room telling him how my children were excelling at school, playing for their local football teams and doing well with their chosen careers.  We all like to  be listened to and know we are loved.  My Father never knew I got to be a Town Councillor or that I will be carrying the Olympic torch I would love to have been able to share these things with him.  What I am in a position to do now is share my children's experiences and watch them grow.   I feel lucky that I have a strong bond with my children.  When they were younger I used to find time to watch them play football in all weathers, and even had a role in the football club as a fitness coach, but now my two younger children are living an hours drive away now so I see less of them than I did, so I now ensure that when they come over I spend time with them.  It is usually at the gym or I make time to play snooker at the local snooker hall.  We are not great snooker players but playing snooker gives me a chance to have some father son chat.  I can find out how they are getting on at school, what their ambitions and interests are. There are so many thing we talk about.  I think of my father and wish I knew more about him.  I know very little of his time in Jamaica and not an awful lot about his life here.  He has told me some great stories but now he has gone I wish I knew more about him.  I want my children to know who I am, I also want to know them and through communicating and truly listening to each other our love will grow.

This blog has just reached the 10,000th view  Whilst I am very happy about that fact and even more happy that people have either inboxed me or left messages on my Facebook wall saying how the blog has helped them, what pleases me most that is when those closest to me read it.  Real love is when someone takes time out to do something without being asked.  I could quite easily bully or plead with those closest to me to read it but it wouldn't be the same.  One son said to me that when he is reading it he knows it's from me because I write the way I talk.  He doesn't know how much that means to me.  What it means is that he listens to me intently and as far as I am concerned that is love!  The message I am trying to shout out is 'take an interest in your loved ones, don't wait to be asked'.   By the way if you are enjoying this blog tell your friends to have a look especially if you feel they may benefit from it.  If you are not enjoying it I am not Dave Earle and this is spam.

Listening requires us to stop what we are doing totally and set it aside whilst we share an experience with our children. We do this as part of the work of loving.  As much as we might not see eye to eye on a subject it would be unloving not to listen to our child's point of view and instead just dismissing it as wrong or uninteresting.  By doing this we create a more open and loving relationship.  A relationship that will grow and allow our children the luxury of being able to come to us with any issues without fear of being ridiculed.

Whilst it is true that ones capacity to listen may improve gradually with practice, it never becomes effortless.  I often find myself talking to people about the importance of listening and then just carry on talking.  is that irony?  I deal with many people at the gym who have what we call now 'social problems'.  These problems cover a huge spectrum and I can not always help, but I will always listen.  But listening as, I just wrote, is not effortless and sometimes after listening intently to a persons issues they may mention something that reminds me of something that is going on in my life and my mind will wander from what they are saying and onto something else.  I feel it it always important at this time to explain that my mind has wandered rather than pretend I was listening.  If I pretend I was listening then I may have missed something specific that I could help with so I will always explain that my mind wandered and ask them to repeat what they just said.  What this does is remind the person that you are only human and can drift off but more importantly shows you are truly listening and are interested in finding out everything that they have said.

My son Mikey with Brad. He tells me this attracts the women?

Whilst listening is the far most important form of attention other forms of loving are necessary in loving relationships, particularly with children.  One is game playing.  With an infant it will be peek-a boo, this little piggy and pat-a-cake, pat-a-cake.  With a six year old it might be hide and seek, tag or magic tricks and with a twelve year old they may want to play cards, play badminton or maybe a game of chess. My eldest son is now 21 and when at primary school, for one reason or another found himself nearly two years behind with his studies.  Clearly concerned myself and his mother tried everything we could to help him catch up.  A combination of after school tutoring with a private teacher to help him with his Maths and English and him joining a local football team to help with his confidence did the trick. At seven years old he started playing for a boys team called Chasewell.  I became the fitness trainer for the club and along with many other parents attended all training sessions and most of the the games he competed in.    He eventually caught up at school, passed all of his GCSE's and took on part time jobs before joining the Thames Valley Police.  He now plays football for Banbury United reserves and occasionally has a run out with the first team.  Everybody tells me what a lovely lad he is and it fills me with pride.  Considering I was concerned for his future when he was at primary school I am so happy he has turned into such a great lad with lot's of ambition.   It just shows that with love from us as parents coupled with his hard work anything is possible.  Every time I see Mikey he seems happy and if he is happy then I am happy.

“When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down ‘happy’. They told me I didn’t understand the assignment, and I told them they didn’t understand life.” 

John Lennon

A final word on the work of attention
Attention can be anything from helping a child with their homework, going to the movies, having picnics, going camping, sitting on the beach chatting whilst looking out to sea, taking them to music festivals or for just long drives in the country stopping of at coffee shops or museums.    Our children thrive on attention, as they get older the attention just changes. We might teach our children to drive a car, abseil, help them with application forms or help them choose a suitable university.   Some things may be boring to us and require work, but work is love and if we love people the work is worth it.