Confronting and solving problems is a painful process which most of us attempt to avoid

Since I discovered reading a couple of years ago my eyes have been opened to a whole new world.   I feel I can now converse at a different level and communicate better at all levels.  I don't know if it true of  a few or many people, but I used to find talking to people of, lets say, a higher standing uncomfortable.   I could talk fluently and comfortably with people I felt were of equal intelligence or lower intelligence, children or pensioners who seemed easy to talk to because they seemed caring and less judgmental. But felt awkward and even intimidated when talking to educated people and people in authority.

Money doesn't maketh the man

The kind of books I read are books I feel will help me in my daily life.  As a gym owner I have met so many people of differing backgrounds.  I have members who are bank managers, motor racing drivers, care workers, office workers, policemen, the unemployed, company directors etc...  3 years ago a man asked me if I could find him two doorman for a village ball.  I said I would but forgot and when he came to me to confirm I had two doormen for him I had to apologise and asked him how many people were attending the ball.  He said around 250 people.  So I said "no problem I will do it".  I arrived at the ball early on the Saturday night and was told the ball was a charity function that was held each year in memory of a youngster in the village who died from cancer and it was to raise money for the cancer trust.  I had previously held a ball myself so knew there was little likelihood of any trouble.  I think I was only asked to be a doorman to stop uninvited guests coming in.  The biggest difference between my ball and the ball I was supervising was the amount of money raised for each auctioned item.  The same items they auctioned raised a lot more than than they did at my auction. A golf ball could raise £250 at this auction!  As I got to know people at the ball I realized that these people were far wealthier than those who attended my ball in Banbury.  But what surprised me was that they were no different.  Many of us have the view that people 'with money' look down on the people without.  We often imagine wealthy people as being 'stuck up' But I found it quite the opposite.  I am not saying they were all the loveliest of people as I didn't talk to every one, I am just saying the people I spoke to, some of whom were extremely wealthy, were no different to the people I meet on a day to day basis in Banbury.   I believe money magnifies personalities.  If you are a generous loving person with no money you will become more loving and more generous person with more money.  If you are a miserable nasty and uncaring person with no money you will become more miserable, more nasty and more uncaring with money.

As I said at the beginning of the last paragraph "the kind of books I read are books I feel will help me in my daily life.  Though I understand why people read novels, I am not the sort of man who will buy a novel to escape from life.  Reading to me is an education and the more I read the more equipped I feel to to my job.
The book I have started to read now is 'The Road Less Travelled' by M.Scott Peck.  This book sold ten million copies.  The book suggests ways in which facing our difficulties - and suffering through the changes - can help us reach a higher level of understanding. and of course lots more.  Some of what I will be writing may seem personal to some of the readers of this blog, but will be the words of M Scott Peck.  I would never intentionally undermine anyone.

Discipline

Once we accept life is difficult  then life is no longer difficult there are just problems that need to be sorted.  Once these problems are sorted that particular problem is no longer a pain.  Rest assured though that another problem will occur, such is life. Every time we solve a problem we grow.  But what most of us do is ignore the problem or just hope it goes away or pretend it doesn't exist.  By avoiding problems we create more problems which can lead to pain.  I know by ignoring threatening letters in the past instead of dealing with them has resulted in me having the bailiffs knocking on my door and my electricity being turned off.  That was painful and somewhat embarrassing. There is a certain sense of achievement we get knowing we have accomplished something we dreaded and we often find it wasn't as dreadful as we expected. I openly admit I procrastinate and realise that I have to change. It is a process I am going through and I have to say I am enjoying.
Dealing with problems and avoiding the pain
Delaying gratification, acceptance of responsibility, dedication to truth and balancing:

All of the above require extensive training? Not at all.  Most of us achieve this by the age of ten and hold on to these skills until we are 15 or 16.  At 10 most young children will do things (homework, housework etc...) to get them out of the way so they can play, even if this is under the instruction of our parents.  Most children  will want to do the unpleasant first so they can enjoy the rest of their day.  Delaying gratification is a process of scheduling the pain and pleasure of our lives.  Children will often tell a friend to take a turn first so they may get there turn later.  By the time children are 15 or 16 this has often changed.  I know it has in my house.  What we often do from 15 or 16 is put things off til later.  Washing up will get done just before we go to bed, home work will be done after we have done what we want to do, and then it is rushed or not done at all.  It is the 'play now pay later' motto.  It is clear now that many children however fall short of this norm. Whilst many youngsters have developed the delaying gratification many fall well short and have never mastered it even as 10 year old children.  These are the problem students.  Despite their average or better intelligence their grades are poor simply because they do not work.  They skip classes or skip school entirely.  They can be impulsive and this impulsiveness often spills over into their social lives.  Some will get into frequent fights, become involved in drugs and even get into trouble with the police.  Play now pay later is their motto so they are spoke to by social workers and psychotherapists but most of the time it seems too late.  They drop out of school and will avoid all important and painful issues and then get dosed up on drugs to control their behaviour.

A life in prison?

When all this fails they continue this pattern into their adult lives which will often end in disastrous marriages, in psychiatric hospitals or in jail.  These are not my words but the words of M Scott Peck but I can relate to these issues and know of people who have taken this track.  My job is to ensure I stop a few taking this route.  The next chapter will be about why this happens and may not be pleasant reading for some... bye for now


So as I was asking earlier.  Why is this? Why do some children succeed and others fail. There are no scientific explanations, the role of genetic factors are unclear.  Most signs point to the quality of parenting as Being the determinant.

Ultimately Love Is Everything

Naughty step

I have had many a discussion over the years with people about discipline of children.  My argument has always been if a child is naughty then a slap on the bum will bring them into line.  Just as a lion might give a swipe of his paw to one of his cubs that wanted to stray away from the pack.  My reasoning was that we do it to protect our kids from danger, whether it be from the open fire or traffic on the street.  I have 3 boys and have smacked two of them once and never smacked the youngest who is now 15 so he is safe from smacking.  I was also smacked once by my father and that was enough for me.  So I guess I just carried the 'one smack' tradition down.  The new way to discipline children seems to be naughty steps and reasoning with children.  What is clear to me is that children need discipline and boundaries  

Many of the unself-disciplined children are not lacking parental discipline at home.  More often than not these children are punished frequently and severely throughout their childhood - slapped, punched, kicked, beaten and whipped by their parents.  But this discipline is meaningless because it is undisciplined discipline. One reason why it is meaningless is that the parents themselves are unself-disciplined, and therefore serve as undisciplined role models for their children.  They are do as I say not as I do parents.  They may frequently get drunk in front of their children  They may fight with each other in front of their children without restraint, dignity or rationality.  They may be slovenly.  They may make promises they don't keep.  Their own lives are frequently and obviously in disorder and disarray, and their attempts to order their lives of their children seem therefore to make little sense to these children.  If a father beats up his mother regularly, what sense does it make to a boy  who's mother beats him up because he beat up his sister?  Does it make sense when he is told he is told he must control his temper?  Since we do not have the benefit of comparison when we are young, our parents are godlike figures to our childish eyes. If a child sees a parent day in day out behaving with self discipline, restraint, dignity and a capacity to order their own lives, then the child will feel that this is the way to live. If a child sees his parents day in day out behaving without self-discipline, restraint, dignity and a capacity to order their own lives, then the child will feel that this is the way to live.  

Yet even more important than role modelling is love.  For even in chaotic and disordered homes like mine, and I mean low income six kids chaotic, love was always present.  Many big families have lots of love in their homes and many people from big families go on to have big families themselves to recreate that same love and often will still produce self disciplined families.  Yet there are people that we all see who come from parents who are successful, for example doctors, solicitors, headmasters etc.. who are organised, live their lives with strict guidelines yet lack love who send children into the world who are undisciplined, destructive and un-organised as any child from an impoverished or chaotic home.

Spending time encouraging our children

Ultimately love is everything.  When we love something it is of value to us, and when something is of value to us we spend time with it, time enjoying it and taking care of it.  When I had my 1970 VW beetle, I washed her ever time she got dirty and polished her on a weekly basis, I put stripes on 'her' to resemble her famous sister Herbie, She had bucket seats , wide alloy wheels, in short she was a beautiful car and yes... I loved her and every time I walked away from that car I had to look back at her and admired her.... I loved that car, until it got shot but that is a different story altogether.  I had a similar love affair with a Nissan Patrol.  Many older people are the same with their gardens. I have an elderly friend who lives near to me who has a beautiful garden, and can be seen attending to it every weekend, pruning his roses, mowing and edging his lawns, weeding his flower beds then standing back and admiring it.  So it is when we love children; we spend time admiring them and caring for them we give them our time.  

Good discipline requires time.  When we have no time to give our children, or no time we are willing to give, we don't even observe them closely enough to see when their need for our disciplinary assistance is expressed.  Do we finally decide it is easier to let them have their own way or 'I haven' got the energy to deal with them today'  or we are finally so annoyed with their behaviour and we are so irritated we impose discipline out of anger rather than deliberation, without examining the problem or even taking time to what form of discipline that is most appropriate to that particular problem.  The parents who give their time to their children even when the child has not been behaving badly, but they are just giving subtle advice to stop a situation getting out of control, will have better results.  These parents will see when their children tell little fibs, see how they eat their cake, when they run away from problems instead of facing them, and will give subtle reminders before the fibs turn into bigger lies and the problems they are running away from become bigger issues.  Loving parents sit down listen and respond to their children, tightening a little here, loosening a little there, giving little lectures, little stories and little hugs.  I still hug all my children and they are 15, 17, 18 and 21 years old. So it is the quality of discipline that is important. Children are not blind to the difference between a loving and unloving parent.  Telling children you love them over and over again instead of devoting quality time to them will not make them feel loved but may make them cling to them hoping that one day they will be loved.

 The reason our children fail?

When a person decides it's time to seek professional help it is generally because they want to put their life back on track.  They are consulting an expert who specializes in sorting out peoples problems.  Psychiatrists have two types of patients to deal with. Patients who pass their responsibilities on to others ie; a spouse, a child, a friend a parent and employer, or something else; bad influences at schools, the government, racism, sexism, society, the system  etc... In the past when I have told friends that I am struggling with my gym and the finances, they quickly jump to my defense and blame the economic climate.  But is that really the reason?  I think not. People who blame events and circumstances around them are seen to have 'character' disorders.  The other type of patient psychiatrists deal with are patients who assume too much responsibility and are described as people with a 'neurosis' disorder.  When neurotic people come across problems they automatically assume that they are at fault unlike the people with character disorders who assume it's the world's fault. If a neurotic person finds they can't get on with people they will automatically feel that there must be something wrong with themselves, rather than something wrong with the people they are not getting on with.  ie; a woman may go to a school and found she did not fit in with the other parents who may be chatting happily to each other and would automatically assume their is something wrong with themselves rather than the group not being welcoming. 

I am not quite ready to leave the subject of parenting, as dealing with problem children is a daily occurrence for me, so i will dip back in to the subject of how these 'disorders' might affect our children. At this point I would like to say that by inferring that people may have 'disorders' I am not putting anyone down. I think we all need to learn and will hopefully keep on learning and growing throughout our lives.  To grow as parents we need to constantly assess and reassess our responsibilities.  We have to understand all children have character disorders.  Yesterday in the boxing class I caught two 11 year old boys misbehaving. .Before I had a chance  to reprimand them they started blaming each other for the altercation each denying they were responsible.  Similarly all children have neurosis.  If a child is unloved the child will always consider themselves unlovable rather than see the parents deficient in their capacity to love.  There are thousands of opportunities for parents to reassure their children and assure them that situations are not their fault.   It requires the parents sensitivity to their children's needs and the willingness to take the time  and often make the uncomfortable effort to meet those needs.  I was a late bloomer in meeting girls and creating relationships with girls.  I had my first girlfriend at 17 years old, and in reading what I have just written about realise that I was neurotic.  I wonder now if coming from a broken home and being brought up by a loving dad who spent much of his time out in his lorry making money to house and feed us effected my confidence toward girls. Though I was close to my dad and I will always hold him as the important person I have ever known and loved, and we had lovely step mum's looking after me and my sisters I always wished I knew my father better in the early years of my childhood.  It has taken this blog for me to ask this question.  I never felt a girl would want to go out with me because of my looks and my colour.  I was the second fastest boy in my class at school but never caught a girl when playing kiss chase.  In my mind white girls would be too embarrassed to kiss a black boy and I was to scared to try so I would never try to catch them. Through looking at this problem and assessing and reassessing over the years I have now put this problem behind me realising colour isn't an issue and my looks seem to work just fine.

Simba and his cool dad

Neurotic Parents can be some of the best parents because of their willingness to assume responsibility. If their  neurosis is mild and not overbearing on the children, but parents with a character disorder can make disastrous parents, blissfully unaware that they treat their children with destructiveness.  It is said that neurotics make themselves miserable whilst character disordered people make everyone else miserable.  The people  who suffer most from the parents with a character disorder are their children, as in  other areas of their lives they fail to assume adequate responsibility for their parenting. They tend to brush off their children in many ways, then when they fail at school they duck their responsibility and blame the school system.  I have heard parents say "I only stay with him because of the kids" and "If it weren't for the kids I could have went to college and been a success"  Some children are openly blamed for the parents failings and little does the parent know, the child accepts the responsibility.  Many people I talk to say they will not treat their children the way their parents treated them.  They have gone out of their way to ensure their children don't suffer the way they feel they did.  The feedback from this blog has been incredible in the way that it seems to have reminded some parents of their personal childhood memories.  It has also reminded me that I have much more to give to my children.  I am in the unfortunate position of being separated from my children after my marriage break-up more than 10 years ago.  Two of my children moved away with their mum and who remarried again, and now live an hours drive away.  I am fortunate to have children who still love and come and see their dad.  I love the fact my two older son's still want to be seen out with me and I even go clubbing with them.  I remember being out on a Saturday night in Banbury at a night club.  My eldest son came over to me, somewhat tipsy, and asked me what I was doing at the club. I told him I was going to the bar. He interlocked arms with me and said, "Dad you don't walk around the dance-floor you dance through it" So we danced through the dance floor and I made my way to the bar.  Once I had my drink I made my way back to the dance-floor and found a spot where I could proudly watch my son strutting his funky stuff.  I felt like Mustafa in the Lion King when he was stood on a rock looking down on Simba.  On another occasion we danced together and he labelled me a 'two-step' dad...... I taught that boy how to dance!

There are many times that I have failed to do tasks just because I felt I couldn't.  Especially electrical jobs.  I will always wait until an electrician is available.  Often the job is a simple job and once I have watched the person carry out the repair I have asked myself why I didn't do it myself instead of getting someone in to do it.  Housing a gym in an Edwardian building means there are always jobs to be done.  Fortunately I have gym members who are tradesman and between us we have collectively put in new floors,  put in a tarmac drive, removed ceilings, changed the lighting, strengthened ceilings, put in new changing rooms etc... By helping in the maintenance of the building I have become more confident in taking on the smaller jobs that I once thought to big for me.  Changing a wall plug socket is as easy as changing a plug, building a boxing ring was just like a big Meccano construction kit that I played with as a kid etc... I am now able to take more responsibility for the maintenance of m gym although I do need help occasionally.

One of many parks in Banbury

I remember creating a group called 'Dave Earle for lord mayor' on Facebook and the group gained more than 300 members, many giving reasons why I would make a good mayor. Before I had even applied for the position of 'Town Councillor' people were giving me advice and telling me what I should change in Banbury. People knew I already worked with youths and were telling me of their issues with the council regarding youths in their families.  I applied to be a councillor and was elected into the council and given the title 'Youth Champion'.  Before getting elected one lady asked me if I could arrange for some lighting for the skateboard ramps at Spiceball Park.  She explained that someone in her

Roller 'D' still popular with children in Banbury

family was getting in trouble with the police and explained that if there were lights at the Spiceball Park ramps then he wouldn't be getting in trouble with the police because he could stay there longer in the winter when it was dark in the early evenings.  People blame many problems on children having the lack of 'things to do'  I remember when people were saying we have nothing in Banbury.  If we want to go bowling we have to go to Leamington Spa 20 miles away and for go-karting it was even further away.  The Council had to decide whether to get a bowling alley or go-karting.  It was decided that the catchment area at the time was too small  go-karting  so we eventually got a bowling alley.  So all the people who wanted go-karting were still complaining about there being nothing to do.  They don't like bowling but they would love it if we have go-karting.  We now have go-karting and bowling yet still parents and children are still saying "there is nothing to do in Banbury"  go-karting and bowling are too expensive. There is a park in every neighbourhood with basketball courts/ football pitches, there are tennis courts open for public use, countless football clubs with A,B and C leagues so that all abilities are catered for, there is Roller D on Saturdays etc... we have iKidz (formally Whizzkidz) for younger children. I have one lad  who comes to the boxing class at Spit n Sawdust after cubs and goes to football or Rugby after the boxing class on the same day.  The media are on one hand saying there is not enough for children to do due to the lack of open spaces and in the next breath saying children are overdoing it by over-training and then stopping sports classes at schools.  Then we have people complaining about children playing in the streets and hanging around in groups ('or gangs') being a nuisance and in the next breath saying they spend too much time playing computer games.  THEY ARE OUR KIDS SO WE NEED TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY!! Saying our children are getting in trouble because there is nothing to do is ducking our responsibilities.

Reality Check

If our lives are to grow we need to be honest with ourselves.  Truth is reality and that which is false is unreal. The more clearly we see reality of the world the better equipped we are able to deal with life.  The less clearly we see life, the less we are able to make the right decisions.  Most of us make maps at an early age and know what we want to do and how we are going to get there.   Some of us constantly changed our maps as youths.  Experiences I share with my children show me that there are many things they want to be before they decide on what they really want as a career.  My eldest being 21, nd although he is in a stable job with the police, after recent conversations, I am sure he is still unsure of where he wants to be in ten years time or how he will get there.  Hopefully he will keep it real keep working towards what he desires accomplishing goals as he travels through life.   I personally had ideas of what I wanted to as an adult but never really had a good enough map to get there.  It could be said I sketched out my map,in what some might call the school of life, rather than drawing an accurate map.  I then, without a map, spent twenty four years lost in the wilderness clock-watching at various uninspiring jobs before stumbling across what I wanted to do.  Like me most people have small sketchy maps, their views on the world are narrow and misleading. By the end of middle age  most people have given up the effort.  They feel there maps are complete and they are no longer interested in new information.  It is as if they are tired.  Only the fortunate few go on exploring the mystery of reality.  

The problem with map building is that we have to be prepared to constantly revise our map.  Reality to a helpless child is not the same as reality to a parent, or the reality of a dependent elderly person.  The world is constantly changing so we must learn to adjust with it.  When you have children to care for the world looks a different place from when we have none, when we are raising infants the world looks a different place to when we are raising adolescents.  When we are poor, the world looks a different place to when we are rich.   We are constantly bombarded with different information as to the nature of reality.  Changing our ways to incorporate the changes in reality can be difficult and sometimes painful.  There are many reasons why this is difficult for some.  If we look back on our childhood which we thought was a normal childhood but then on further examination found that our parents frequently let us down, this may affect us in later life.  If we were let down by our parents forgetting our birthdays, forgetting to pick us from school, or promising us holiday or to help us with homework then after a while we feel this is normal behaviour and kind of get used to it and stop trusting our parents so life is more comfortable..  The trouble is this can start a cycle and we can repeat this behaviour.  We will not realise the damage we are doing to our children because we don't realise we are doing it.  mmm? get's you thinking  doesn't it?  How many of us say "It was good enough for me so it is good enough for you"? or It didn't do me any harm"? Was it good enough? did it do you any harm?  If deep down we have lost the trust of our parents will this lead us to lose trust of others later in our lives, including partners, bosses and authority?

Need a break chat soon

When I write these blogs I hope to inspire people to make changes to their lives that will ultimately make life easier for themselves and the people around them.  People have told me my blogs are inspiring?  I am not sure how I inspire people or if I really do, but the idea that I do keeps me doing my job, as well as writing these blogs.  At work, and come to think of it, outside work, I come across many troubled youths and some troubled adults and for me to understand and help people I first need to understand and know myself.  I thought I knew myself but it is clear now that I have a long way to go before I understand myself completely, that's if I ever do.  What I wrote in the last paragraph made me ask myself questions I never wanted to ask myself and doubt people I never wanted to doubt.  But to grow we must know the truth and face reality.  My truth is that I was the product of a single parent family.  During my early childhood my father bought me and my two sisters up on a rough council estate in Coventry in the early 1970's.  My mother and father split up when I was 5 years old due to .... their differences.  I have little if any memories of my parents getting on well, but do remember some of the fights, physical and verbal, that they had.   This is the difficult bit for me..... My dad loved us.  I know he did because he always made sure we were looked after in our early years.  When he was single, he ensured that when he went to work we attended school and when we finished school  we had someone to look after us at home, even if it was our next door neighbour watching over us.  During school holidays we would stay at an aunts and uncles houses or with my nan.  If it was not possible we would all bundle into his lorry and go to work with him in his lorry, taking coal to and from Wales.  Sometimes my sisters would stay around an aunts house and I would go with my dad to work and I LOVED IT! Just me and my dad.  Proper bonding time.

Not a nice memory for me

My dad taught us to be proud and to stand up for ourselves. I remember that the colour of  peoples skin was quite an issue in the 60's and early 70's and I always remember my dad telling us to be proud of our colour.  My father was a 6ft 3inch (1.92m) former heavy weight boxer weighing in at over 18 stones (114kgs)  It wasn't easy in a junior school where was no other 'brown people' and strangers in the street were calling you a golliwog and a nig-nog.  Racism was rife and Coventry had it's fair share of race-riots.  Not that I ever got involved.  I remember their being lots of skinhead groups and they really scared me, I would not just cross the road when I saw a group I would take an alternative route. I didn't fancy being a victim of 'nigger bashing'   As a child, repeating the phase in my head "saying it loud I'm black and I'm proud!!" wasn't easy when society seemed to be against me.  With my father being a single working dad he was not always there when we wanted him to be.  I can't remember seeing him at sports-days or at school at all.  Even walking to school could be a mission due to racism.  One lad who lived on Ashorne Close, used to set his dog on me, shouting Nigger to the dog and then pointed at me. I used to shit myself.  Even the effing dogs were being trained to be racists! I got to be a very good runner though.  Being proud of your colour when the television tells you that being black puts you at a disadvantage when applying for jobs and joining sports clubs, was very difficult.  My dad also made lots of promises he found it difficult to keep, most of them involving time with us kids.  I am sure at the time of making the promises he was sure he could honour the promises, but things happen.  After a while you don't expect the promises to be kept and realise your dad won't be at sports day, and you know your dad won't be home when he said he would.  The reality is  that although my dad loved me, I wanted and needed a bit more love from him.  I know this may anger my lovely sister Valerie who was arguably the closest to my dad when he died, but I believe this to be true.   I feel that because  I lost that trust in my dads promises that I found it hard to trust people in authority, I struggle with commitment in jobs and relationships.  I have so many great memories of my dad and will hold them til the day I die.  We all make mistakes and the truth is, unbeknownst to me til now, dad made a few too.  I am still unsure whether I am making excuses for my failings in areas of my life, or have found the reason.  Being true and honest to ourselves requires work, a lot of hard work.  By with-holding the truth from ourselves we fail to move forward and grow as people.  By telling ourselves untruths to mask a problem will not only damage ourselves but also hurt the people closest to us.